Dirty Little Secret

Dear charity-seeking neighbor,

We have never met. In fact, I don’t even have a nodding acquaintance with anyone in your section of the cul-de-sac. And yet you sent me this request for a donation to your favorite cause. I am not sure why this bothers me more than if your group had sent me a direct donation request, but it does. Am I suppose to think, “Gee, I’ll give my charity dollars to THIS charity because the lady down the street supports it,”? Here’s the thing; I don’t know you. You could be a Tea Party member. Or a Klan member (same difference?). Living on my street doesn’t tell me anything about your personality. As for your charity, I have only vaguely heard of it and your donation request offered no information. So, no, I won’t be sending them any money. Ever.

Sincerely,

The loud woman from down the street

Dear leaf-blower addicts,

You are not making the world a better place. You are a leading contributor of noise and air pollution. You are wasting precious gas. And by tonight, all that crap you blew off the sidewalk will be right back where it started. Special note to the landscapers of my neighborhood: STOP using the LEAF-BLOWER around my patio, you are actually blowing dirt onto it. Also, stop moving my chairs.

Seriously,

The messy lady on the end

Dear old people who coo at my son

Thank you for smiling instead of wincing when he starts screaming. Thank you for engaging him when I run out of energy. I bet none of you own leaf-blowers. In short, I love you.

Thanks,

The tired lady with the screaming toddler

Dear Ben & Jerry’s,

Stop putting crack in your ice cream. I know it’s in there, because ever since I had “Chocolate Therapy” the other night, I can’t stop craving it. Just once and I am totally hooked. . .just like all those people on Intervention and Addiction. My husband swears that you are good guys and would never do something so dangerous. He says it’s MY problem. So could you please announce that you’re taking the crack out? Then I can prove that I’m right and stop the cravings.

Thanks,

The lady who is running out of elastic-waist pants

Dear NBC,

First you wouldn’t spend the money to advertise how awesome Friday Night Lights is. Then you put Jay Leno on all the time, when Jay is just not that funny to people under 70. Then you screw Conan O’Brien, who is not only funny but classier than you’ll ever be. If you fuck with Mercy, 30 Rock or Community, you’re dead to me.

Sincerely,

The lady who watches way too much TV

I have the flu. I’m on Day 6 and I’m pretty over the wanting to die part. But consequently, I’ve had a LOT of time to watch TV lately. Since my brain still isn’t in tip top shape, I just thought I’d share a few thoughts I’ve had while watching TV the last few days. . ..

*I never understood why my husband hated the Free Credit Report guy until now. But if he starts singing again I’m going to throw my Tylenol bottle at the TV.

*Chelsea Handler needs a new stylist.

*I wonder how much Chuy gets paid?

*I feel bad that Winona Ryder has turned into a joke.

*Wow EHarmony, free matches for Valentine’s Day – how generous! But what about those poor people who you DON’T match . . .how will they feel? (This happened to a friend – I swear it was an actual friend, not me – she joined EHarmony and they told her that no one matched her. She’s happily married now, though.)

*Do I really like “The Deep End” or am I just glad it’s not another stupid reality show?

*I would feel a lot more sorry for Lynn on the Real Housewives if her face moved when she cried.

*It’s only fun to get flowers when you work outside the home and can show off to your co-workers.

* Why do the USA team jackets have to have a huge Polo pony on them? When did the winter Olympics become ghetto-fabulous?

*I’m going to wind up on Hoarders if I don’t clean out my garage. And laundry room. And basement.

*Who is Ray J? He’s no Bret Michaels, that’s for sure.

*Pawn Stars? This would be so much more interesting if it was about porn stars.

*Why do all shows have to have their commercials at the same time?

I used to watch Jon and Kate Plus 8. The kids liked it – and I didn’t have to worry about what they were learning from it, unlike their other favorite adult shows, Family Guy and Robot Chicken. Anyhow, if one more person blames Kate’s bitchiness for the dissolution of that marriage I’m going to break something. You know what makes a woman bitchy? Being married to an idiot.

Now, let’s take my own marriage. There are times, like when Hot Guy cannot find the children’s bathing suits -located in their dresser drawers – that I get a bitchy attitude. But then there are times when I cannot make the iron work without his intervention. (Which is why I don’t iron anymore. But I digress.) And then, well, Hot Guy doesn’t, of course, because he’s flawless and all, but OTHER husbands might get an attitude over my iron incompetence. Or about the time I backed into the garage door with our new car.

Anyway, my point is that in any given marriage at any given time, someone’s is acting like the idiot. As long as idiot duty hovers around 50-50, things will be okay. But Jon Gosselin never quit being the idiot. He never seemed to know what was going on, never stood up for himself, never discussed things, never took responsibility. And always having to be the smart one will stress a person out. Which might turn them into a bitch. Hence, Kate Gosselin.

Maybe she is a bitch. . . but being married to an idiot and having EIGHT kids might make you bitchy too. Maybe she is obsessed with money.. .but she has EIGHT kids, she really doesn’t have a choice but to be obsessed with money. Maybe she’s changed her look since she first got on TV. . .but hello, this America where everyone wants to look 20 forever. Is she really any worse than anyone else? Really?

And finally, let’s look at what’s happened with them since the divorce. Jon is dating a college dropout who parties hard and badmouths the mother of his children while also staying at MICHAEL LOHAN’S house with a tabloid reporter who claims they are dating. Oh, and maybe he’s going to design clothes for some designer most of us hadn’t heard of until this plan. Can someone say idiot?

I could totally be a marriage counselor, don’t you think?

I’ve mentioned my love for this show before. It's FINALLY back on regular TV, after a fall on DirecTV only. I stayed up late last night just to watch it with Hot Guy - it's one of the few shows we both like.