Dirty Little Secret

Like most people, I loathe being stuck in traffic. But it doesn’t generally make me angry, as I’ve realized the alternative to traffic: deserted areas called rural areas and inner cities filled with empty storefronts. Both of which make me nervous. The only time I get lose my “gee-this-sucks-I-guess-I’ll-sing-along-with-the-radio” attitude is when the traffic is due to rubbernecking. Then I get pissed.

I remember my first impassioned rant against those who slow to a crawl in order to stare at an accident scene. It was on I-95 in Connecticut and the accident had been particularly horrible. I spent the two hours it took to go thirty miles going off on those who needed to invade the victims’ privacy and dignity SO much that they were willing to ignore everyone else’s need to get somewhere, just so they could stare. (My poor roommate – a four hour drive that turned into six and probably felt like eight hours to her.)

Then last night I shushed my baby because I couldn’t hear the people on Toddlers and Tiaras. (for those of you who have lives – or standards – Toddlers and Tiaras is a show about little girls who participate in beauty pageants). I mean, I was also shushing him to calm him down because I’m such a devoted mother and all, but partly I wanted to listen to the delusional families on the show. And I realized that I am a total hypocrite.

Because what is reality TV but a chance to rubberneck while in the comfort of your own home?

Sure, some of the families/people seem pretty functional and normal (Jon and Kate Gosselin, I’m talking to you) but mostly you’ve got people who have some issues like dressing up their daughters like dolls or having 18 kids or wanting to go on the Rock of Love bus. And that’s just on basic cable – HBO could have it’s own freaky reality channel with Real Sex and Taxicab Confessions (not that I’ve ever recorded those shows. I’ve just heard. Really.)

So basically, I’m watching these shows to find out what horror will happen next. Just like all those a-holes on the highway, staring at accidents.

At least I’m not causing any traffic.

Oh VH1, why have you done this to me?

At first, I was just slightly embarrassed to watch you. Back then, it was because your videos were skewed toward an older demographic and I was ashamed that I liked the “old” videos. (For those of you under 30, there was a time when MTV and VH1 played actual music videos. Weird, huh?)

Then came slightly more embarrassment as I spent more time on VH1, not watching great fare like Pop-Up Video (Why isn’t it on anymore? Why?) but trash like Rock of Love. And Celebrity Rehab (I tried to convince Hot Guy that Celebrity Rehab has a redeeming social value. Too bad he pointed out that I hadn’t even convinced myself. Oh well). And I have a crush on Confessions of a Teen Idol.

But I’m drawing the line. Right here. Right now.

I am NOT going to watch TOOL ACADEMY.

Let me just repeat that: TOOL ACADEMY. And Bret Michaels isn’t even on it.

Essentially, nine douchebags (aka the Tools) are supposed to become nice guys. Their girlfriends are along for the ride, but they might dump the guys if they get expelled.

WTF?

I’m pretty sure that any guy who deserves to be nominated for Tool Academy also deserves to be dumped. Maybe they should call it “So-Desperate-For-A-Boyfriend-They’ll-Put-Up-With-Anything Academy”? Or (and I really hope this is the case) “Couples-That-Want-To-Be-On-TV Academy”?

I watched a few minutes of it. I pray that this show is simply employing out of work Shakespearean actors to portray these Tools and their women (Toolettes?) and that these are not, in fact, actual human beings.

Dear Producers of Wife Swap,

While I am consistently entertained by your show, especially your ability to find people whose lifestyles are SO extreme, I think it’s time to move on. There are only so many versions of “tight-assed, demanding mom vs. laid back, irresponsible mom” that you can do. And yet I would be sad to see your show go off the air.

So I have a suggestion for a new version. How about “Wife Vacation”? Send an overworked, overstressed mom on a vacation and film how her family copes without her. Sure, you won’t have as much confrontation but I can guarantee a lot more laughs. And crying husbands. Ratings gold, I’m sure.

Or, it that’s too much of a departure, could you at least switch some similar moms? Swap those uber-protective, anal and competitive moms with each other and see what happens? You could add in a competition to see who has the cleanest home or the most repressed kids! Or swap the the spoiled princess wives and have them compare how indulgent their husbands are.

Just change something, please. A reality show that’s SO predictable is in danger of becoming as meaningless as the formerly awesome Real World.

Thanks,

Jerseygirl89

PS

You’ll notice that I have publicly declared that I watch your show. As someone who TWICE got dumped for being “too intellectual” and who often insults reality TV, please appreciate how embarrassing this declaration has been for me. Take my advice seriously.

A lot of things are different this time around. I’m calm and confident (with the baby, anyway). “Rest” is a relative concept – what I’m doing now would have been considered “extremely active” when I had Ironflower. I no longer have to lift the baby up much to nurse. Ironflower (and Lovebug) show lots of interest in the baby this time. I have tons of stretchy yoga pants to wear – no stress about fitting into “normal” pants.

But I STILL find myself watching Bringing Home Baby. And I am ashamed.

First of all, it’s a reality show. I always feel shame when I watch reality shows. But at least most of the other ones I watch have scandalous and/or interesting aspects that explain WHY I would watch them. There’s no scandal on Bringing Home Baby. Hell, it’s not even interesting. I’m not learning anything – I’ve brought three babies home from the hospital.

Secondly, it involves watching people I don’t know get used to living without sleep while gushing about their newborns. Why should I care? I already know how to live without sleep. And I already know how fantastic my newborn (not to mention my older children) is.

Third, why the hell did these people invite a television show into their homes for this? Are they getting paid (I hope)? Because, second only to the last few weeks of my pregnancy, now is not the time I’d like to appear on television. Call me vain, but puffy and exhausted is not how I’d like to present myself to the world. On top of which, the newborn days are not so exciting that they need to be filmed for thirty-six hours straight. And I’ve yet to see one family that’s actually interesting or funny or dramatic on the show (not that I blame them).

I can still blame hormones for my odd behavior, right?

Please tell me about the lame shows you watch or have watched in the throes of new parenthood.