Dirty Little Secret

Oh, Mel Gibson.

I remember when I thought you were attractive. I remember your sense of humor during Lethal Weapon and the way your eyes seemed to twinkle. Those were the days.

You started taking yourself more seriously around Braveheart, which I did not exactly enjoy. But your creative happiness was important to me, so I forgave you for not making Bird on a Wire 2 instead.

I’ll admit that I was put off by Passion of the Christ, but gave you the benefit of the doubt since you made like eleventy-billion dollars from it.

You first DUI rant disturbed me more. I couldn’t ignore it. I broke things off with you. I merely shook my head when you dumped your wife of decades for a Russian musician and impregnated her almost immediately.

By that point, I already suspected that you were an asshole.

But these tapes. Wow. You have crossed the asshole line, skipped abusive and gone straight for complete whackjob. I think you must be crazy, because otherwise how did you not figure out that she would tape you saying all of those vile things? And, you know, how did you even come up with some of those things unless you were nuts?

But, other than stabs of pity for your many children and former wife, I didn’t feel much when I heard the tapes. My feelings for you had long since died out.

What I don’t understand are the people who are defending you. The women – the WOMEN – I heard on the radio yesterday, who were blaming your girlfriend for entrapping you. Who were saying that your drunken rants didn’t mean anything. Who said they were still on your side.

Those women need therapy, Mel.

I’ve been drunk. I’ve had a drunken rant or two and I’ve certainly heard some. But you? You went so far beyond the normal parameters that it’s obvious your unbothered supporters have heard some really bad stuff regularly in their lives. Some really ugly stuff. And they’ve blamed themselves for it.

Mel, this is the chance you’ve been waiting for. You still – even after you support your ex, your kids and your Russian – will have a shit-ton (that’s a finance term, right?) of money. Pay for therapy for your supporters. Get them to see that you’re a crazy person and that even pet rats deserve better treatment. Then they’ll still support you, but it will be because you’ve helped them. And many of us who think you’re a crazy douchebag will be impressed with your generosity and maybe not picket any more movies you make.

Especially if you do make Bird on a Wire 2.

I am so glad The Real Housewives of New York City are back on again. Not that I don’t enjoy watching all the other Housewives shows, because I do.

(See? No shame. No embarrassment. I am letting the entire world know that I watch trashy reality TV. Actually, I do more than watch – I THINK about it.)

But the New York Housewives are my favorites. They’re smarter than the other Housewives. It pains me to say it, Jersey resident that I am, but it’s true. When I watch the other Housewives shows, I’m always listening for grammatical mistakes and the misuse of big words. I’m also always staring in mute horror at the behavior of most of  the husbands. Which is its own kind of fun.

But the New York Housewives generally make sense. And while there are many, many, many things to be said about the symbiotic relationship between Alex and her husband Simon, I’d much rather hang out with him than with Tamra’s husband Simon. That guy is such a douche.

Anyway, what’s great about the New York show is that while the women seem fairly intelligent and have equal marriages (er, those that still have marriages), they are STILL immature and nuts. They have stupid fights, alliances change and where you sit really, really matters. It’s like high school with money.

I would happily go out drinking with any of the New York women (except Kelly, she’s a  complete bitch). I would go out with a few of the Atlanta women too, but that’s it. All the cool Orange County Housewives have left. And the New Jersey Housewives. . . . .

I will watch it when it comes on again. Partially because I like to see places I recognize  on camera. It makes me feel cool. And of course, they do provide a lot of drama. But naturally I find the show embarrassing. I mean, not only is it about New Jersey, it’s about my area of it. And it’s not completely inaccurate. That, quite possibly, is the worst part.

Which is another reason to love the New York show. I’m not from there. Sure, I’m familiar with it. I’ve even been to the Hamptons before. (Once. A long time ago.) But it’s not personal.

Thank God.

I am sorry to post this blog on your day, Dr. King. I know that it is the opposite of tolerance and love for fellow man, but I feel like you would understand.

This may be a foreshadowing of the grumpy old lady I’m becoming, in which case I look forward to smacking these people with my cane someday. . .

1. Pat Robertson. For being everything that’s wrong with today’s Evangelical movement as well as a bigoted ignoramus. Jesus would be helping in Haiti, asshole.

2. The Jersey Shore cast. Not because they’re ignorant trash who are making more money than I am, but because ONLY ONE OF THEM IS ACTUALLY FROM NEW JERSEY.  Spending a summer on the Jersey shore does not make you from New Jersey, capiche?

3. John Gosselin. It’s not like he spends time with his kids any more anyway, and maybe all of his young girlfriends would follow him. Although this whole story is a great case in point about the dangers of marrying young and treating your husband like one of the kids.

4. Glenn Beck. Pandering to the ignorant is so mercenary.

5.The creator of Yo Gabba Gabba. That show is just freaking WEIRD, yet even the baby stares at it if it’s on. And the songs stick in my head for days.

6. My local nemesis. He’s an overbearing stay-at-home dad I see around town all the time who has published a novel based on bashing the people in his playgroup. We’ve met countless times  and have kids the same age and he refuses to remember who I am or speak to me. And his kids are RUDE.

7. The head of NBC programming. First, there’s the fact that Friday Night Lights, one of the best shows on television, is treated like a second-class citizen (WHEN are you putting it on the network? WHEN?). Then there’s was the blatant idiocy of giving Leno 10 o’clock, screwing over Conan and Jimmy somewhat, not to mention all the quality shows that could have gone on then (ie Friday Night Lights, Criminal Intent). And now there’s the end of the 10 o’clock show and all this stupid fighting. But I might let him/her eventually back for approving Community. I like that show.

8. The casting director of the Twilight series. Yeah, I got into the books. Though I’m still not sure why. But I haven’t seen any of the movies and I never will. Robert Pattinson is not hot enough to be Edward and he never will be.

*I know that most, if not all, of these people are American citizens and can’t technically be deported. But it sounds nicer than “shot”.