Dirty Little Secret

There are a lot of phrases that can piss me off.

“Name calling is no big deal.” (Nah, it’s just a form of bullying and we all know that’s not a problem today.)

“Sarah Palin says. . . .” (She’s IGNORANT. And a hypocrite who actually does get state support and health care for a kid and a grandkid.)

“She was asking for it.” (Unless she said, “Will you have sex with me?” she wasn’t asking for it.)

“Teaching kids about birth control will make them have sex.” (Well, a lot of them already are having sex, so why not let them be safe? And do you really think the ones who have chosen not to for moral reasons are going to jump right into it because they can do it without getting pregnant or AIDS?)

“Well, the Bible tells us that homosexuality is wrong.” (It also says lying, drunkenness  and premarital sex are equally wrong – care to condemn those with the same brush?)

And today’s personal favorite, “I’m not a feminist, but . . .”

Usually the “but” is followed by some feminist tenet like equal pay for equal work or praise for a gutsy woman like Kathryn Bigelow. It makes me want to scream. Unless you are one of those uber-Christians who take the Bible literally in EVERY aspect (not just the aspects you like) Quiverfull people or a Taliban member, you have no reason not to call yourself a feminist.

A feminist is a person who supports feminism, which Merriam-Webster defines as:

1 : the theory of the political, economic, and social equality of the sexes
2 : organized activity on behalf of women’s rights and interests

— fem·i·nist
\-nist\ noun or adjective

— fem·i·nis·tic
\ˌfe-mə-ˈnis-tik\ adjective

What part of that scares people? It doesn’t say you have to hate men, be pro-choice, be a lesbian, work outside the home, skip make-up, hate sex or whatever other stereotypes are  out there. You just have to believe that women are equal to men – that your daughters deserve the same educational opportunities as your sons, that your boss can’t grab your ass and laugh about it, that your vote counts just as much as anyone else’s, that you should earn the same pay for doing the same job and that you are equal partners in your relationship.

Is there anyone reading my blog who doesn’t believe that?

Well, then, welcome feminists! Who wants a margarita?

Dear Terrorists,

I don’t think about you a lot. I am fortunate in that I don’t currently have any family members or close friends serving in the military or traveling in the middle east. And I am also fortunate in that I live in the United States, where the media would much rather listen to Tiger Woods’ pathetic excuse for an apology than to pay attention to anything you do.

I know you see us as the big Godless bully, one that keeps getting back up again even though you landed an excellent punch and made the rest of the class hate us. In your scenario, you will kill all of the infidels and have a perfect Muslim world (never mind that you can’t even agree on which kind of Muslim is perfect) where women are chattel, imams rule and no one eats hot dogs.

In my scenario, all the terrorists, rapists, pedophiles, racists, homophobes and murderers die of a mysterious illness and we live in a perfect liberal world where women are truly equal, children are ALL loved and no one eats hot dogs (see, we have something in common – give tolerance a chance!).

Here’s what would really happen in both of our scenarios: A bad seed would be born and start advocating equality or redhead hate and all of the people who weren’t quite as well off and who weren’t quite as educated would start listening to the bad seed and we’d be right back where we started.

Did you ever see the movie Heathers? It’s one of my favorites. In it,  a young couple murders the popular bullies of their school. . .only to have someone else step into the bully shoes almost immediately. Sort of like a modern day version of the Hydra.

Now in the movie and in the myth, the heroine/hero defeats the evil, resurrecting bully. Which is great, because who likes a story where nothing changes? No one.

However, these stories are also FICTION.

You are not going to defeat the bully. We’re not the biggest country (though I’m sure many of our high school graduates think so). We’re certainly not the smartest (just watch The Hills). We’re not the kindest (just ask our veterans). But we are the most popular. Take a poll and see how many of you have watched an American movie, heard an American song, eaten an American (or an American version) food, read an American book or heard about American Idol.

Even those kids who wear black and spend all of their time making fun of us (Russia, I’m talking to you) secretly want to be us. Yes, you can make us look stupid. Yes, you can hurt us. Yes, you can make people nervous about being our best friend. But given a choice between coming to the party where they have celebrity telethons for tragedies and sex is meant to be fun and coming to the party where they ignore other people’s problems and sex is shameful, which do you think people are going to pick?

Do you ever imagine what your lives would be like if your grandfathers had managed to move to the US? If your parents had opened small businesses in Detroit? If you and your sisters had 12 years of public education (which is better than you have gotten, even if it did produce Sarah Palin)? If your first crush was the Christian or Jewish kid from across the street?

Then you would have seen Heathers too. And you would have given up on this shit already.

Regards,

Jerseygirl

And you, Bill O’Reilly. And you, Sean Hannity. And most especially you, Glenn Beck. And every news producer who has replayed anything those you idiots have said, which I’m pretty sure covers every media outlet.

Because there’s a difference between disagreement and disgusting behavior, and you all have crossed it. And I happen to know that Bill, at least, is playing a role and doesn’t believe everything he spouts (or lets his viewers spout). But this playing to the lunatic fringes makes me nauseous.

If the birther movement wasn’t bad enough (like that wouldn’t have been checked by all the McCain and Clinton resources already? Seriously?), now we’ve got people comparing Obama to Hitler. If it’s not his “socialized” medicine (I guess then the UK, Canada and Ireland are all socialist countries, maybe we should stop asking them to assist us in our wars), then it’s the fact that schoolchildren sang a song about him. Because it was okay when schoolchildren sang songs about Bush (Jon Stewart showed a lovely song thanking Bush and FEMA for all their help, sung by young Katrina victims, for example), but when people do it for Obama it means he wants to be Hitler? And the schoolchildren are being indoctrinated? Like public school isn’t one long series of indoctrinations?

I mean, I really don’t care if they hate Obama. I certainly had a strong aversion to Bush. But. . . .I didn’t go around comparing him to Hitler. Because you know what? He wasn’t trying to exterminate everyone he deemed undesirable (at least not directly) and he didn’t try to take over Europe. Totally not like Hitler.

And neither is Obama. There’s no extermination, no take over the world plans and no dissolution of Congress.  Nor is he a socialist, if you actually understand the definition of the word. But I guess the viewers love those phrases, whether they’re actually true or not. So the talking heads keep using them, spinning the idiots of this country up until they all think that our president is a too-smart Kenyan who wants to be Hitler or Mussolini.  Meanwhile, proud Republicans like Tom DeLay go on Dancing With the Stars, where they can really make a difference.

But, honestly, would a smart person actually want to be Hitler? He committed suicide. And Mussolini was executed. Demagogues don’t usually walk gently into a luxurious old age. Of course, Rush, Bill, Sean and Glenn know that (I think). They probably know that comparing Obama to Hitler is incendiary and ridiculous. They just don’t care. It’s not about debating about what’s best for our country anymore, it’s about naming calling and who’s “winning” by getting the most viewers and votes for their favorites.

It’s not like they really care.

People bug me. I know, I know. That’s a shocker, huh? I know I always seem like such sweetness and light. But, believe it or not, I spend a lot of time marveling and how stupid and/or annoying people are. Once, to honor my friend Nita, a woman who really was sweetness and light and who died way too soon, I tried to have only nice thoughts about people. I tried to be positive and kind in thought and deed.

I lasted a day.

So now I try to avoid being a completely selfish cow, or losing it in front of my children. It’s important to have attainable goals.

Anyway, I don’t think it’s totally selfish or harming my children when I say. . ..

Jon Gosselin, why don’t you run off with Miss California so that we don’t have to deal with any of you anymore?

Miss California: I don’t really care about your feelings on gay marriage. As far as I’m concerned, those with a religious objection to gay marriage should make sure that their personal religious institutions do not permit such ceremonies and shut the hell up about what the government permits. If the objection is religious, keep it to your religion. Oh, and I think anyone who poses half naked and has fake boobs shouldn’t be bragging about what a great Christian she is.

Jon and Kate: I’m not above exploiting my family either. I mean, I enjoy the free stuff I get for this blog. Sure, your exploitation has gotten you book deals and a new house and fabulous trips, but whatever. I’m not a jealous person. But of course, you couldn’t just enjoy your money, could you? You had to start acting like real fucking celebrities. Which you are not, by the way. Hell, your reality show isn’t even competitive! But now Kate’s on the cover – the COVER – of People magazine, Jon’s scamming ingenue types and the whole mess is being played out in the tabloids. To which I say, I have now lost all respect for you , your show and your parenting skills. Grow the hell up.

Retarded College Students: It’s true, President Obama doesn’t deserve an honorary degree from ASU, since I’m pretty sure their idea of accomplishment has to do with keg stands. I can’t believe those whiners don’t want to give the FUCKING PRESIDENT a damn degree.

Fox News: And speaking of college students, why the hell is Fox News acting like the protests at Notre Dame are a HUGE news story? I don’t care if the anti-choicers are protesting the pro-choice President. I know plenty of college students protested when Bush spoke at commencements (not that Fox News reported this). I don’t even mind it being a news item. But at the top of their home page? Is that really necessary?

Question: Am I the only person who barely remembers who her college commencement speaker was? And wouldn’t have bothered protesting at the time (even though I protested other things), because it’s just not that important? I mean, this generation is fucking whiny, right?

I haven’t watched an inauguration since Clinton’s first. I was so happy and hopeful that day. But that’s nothing compared to how I feel today. Not simply because while I complained about the Republican presidencies of Reagan and Bush I, those complaints practically disappear when compared with my issues with this past administration.

I liked Clinton. I didn’t like Bush. But I never believed in either one of them. I never thought they were good men.

I believe in Barack Obama. I believe his is a good man as well as a brilliant one. I feel safe knowing he is president in a way that I’ve never felt before. I would like to bask in my happiness.

But I can’t do that and watch the news today.

Obama and Bush have handled this transition with class and sense. They handled the inauguration with class. But the talking heads – because it’s easier to comment on a lovely ceremony than to research and report on other news – are looking for conflict wherever they can find it. Now they’ve moved onto observing Gore and McCain at the luncheon, speculating on what they’re talking about. Hey, news professionals, they’re probably talking about how glad they are to finally be inside.

I think we need to be worrying less about the media having a liberal or conservative bias and worry more about how they have a stupidity bias. There are wars and conflicts going on all over the globe. It’s now come out that we tortured prisoners. We’re still in a financial and real estate mess – one that could always be explained better. The Steelers are going to be in the SuperBowl. So there’s PLENTY of serious news that they could be talking about. And instead CNN is telling me about what they’re eating at the luncheon and wondering what Senator Corbyn and Senator Clinton were talking about.

I read People magazine for gossip and info about luncheons. Or I watch E!. Doesn’t CNN have anything better to do?

(Notice my language restraint? Because you never know when Lovebug could start reading)

Kim is not my friend or relative. Kim is Kim Gandy, the president of the National Organization of Women. I joined NOW in college. That’s right, I don’t just call myself a card-carrying feminist, I actually am one. Or, at least I used to be. Apparently my views are starting to differ from mainstream feminism.

Kim Gandy is all over CNN, claiming that Obama’s Cabinet picks don’t include enough women. For the record, there are five – the same number as Clinton and Bush’s first cabinets. Sure, I’d love it if the Cabinet matched the population with a nice 50-50 split, but the world would have to change a lot before I’d go on CNN to complain about it.

In a world where rape victims are blamed and then stoned to death (even Fox covered it), where a quarter of women in the US are victims of domestic violence at some point in their lifetimes and where Viagra is more likely to be covered by insurance than birth control pills we have more important things to complain about on national television.

I suppose it’s possible that she did complain about those things and (typically) this is the only complaint that the media embraced. But even if that’s what happened, I still want her to shut up. Shouldn’t the president of NOW be more media savvy than I am?

Dear Santa Claus,

In case you haven’t heard, the world is kinda going to hell these days. So I’m sure you’re quite busy getting ready to help make many people’s lives a little better on Christmas morning. You must be very stressed out and I was hoping I could relieve some of the burden by giving you some gift suggestions. Not for me, of course, I’m sure you already know how much I’ll appreciate that winning lottery ticket. No, I’ve got gift ideas for other people.  People for whom it is much harder to find gifts (how come not ending a sentence with a preposition always makes me sound so pompous?).

Such as:

Madonna – The ability to accept her age gracefully. By eating, maybe. And dumping A-Rod before he dumps her.

The CEOs of the auto companies – Retirement.

Sarah Palin – Classes in history, literature, geography, biology and political science at Harvard. Or at least BU.

Billy Mays (that guy who yells on commercials) – Laryngitis.

Rush Limbaugh – Two weeks as a teacher in an inner city public school. And six months of yoga classes (could be televised as a gift for the rest of us).

Bill Maher – The ability to breastfeed so he could discover firsthand that it feels NOTHING like masturbation.

Bill O’Reilly – Humility.

Fans of Grey’s Anatomy – A quick, sensible end to the Denny back from the dead storyline.

Ugg boots – The opportunity for ALL of them (and their cheaper cousins) to go back home to Australia and retire peacefully on a sheep farm, where they belong.

The Real Housewives of Orange County, New York and Atlanta – a few months as minimum wage workers living in trailer parks with no nannies, personal trainers, cooks, stylists, etc. I’m sure they’d love a chance to prove how normal they are.

David Caruso – Diamond-encrusted sunglasses.

The cast of The Hills – Either real lives or real acting ability.

Kevin Federline – A vasectomy. Possibly useful for recipients listed above as well.

Hope this helps!

Jerseygirl

(Hey! Look at my sidebar. Now this is a blog network on Facebook. Join )

I never thought I would say this. . .but I’m tired of people picking on Sarah Palin.

Sure, I think the whole folksy anti-intellectual attitude is ridiculous. Yes, I think she’s a female version of W. Of course, I disagree with her on everything politically. But can we please let the turkey thing go?

In case you were fortunate enough to miss it, Governor Palin – after pardoning a local turkey – gave an interview in front of a turkey rendering area. Where a worker proceeds to kill some turkeys in the background while Palin blithely answers questions in the foreground.

Now, unless you are a vegetarian, being offended by the turkey killing is just plain stupid. If you eat meat, you are eating murdered animals (unless you only eat roadkill, in which case – how the hell did you get on the internet?). And if you eat murdered animals, why be all squeamish about how they get that way?

Folks, Sarah Palin hunts. And what do responsible hunters do? Eat their prey. And also, Gov. Palin is from ALASKA. One of the few places in the country where you need to bring a gun on a nature hike to protect yourself from wild animals. Killing animals is part of the culture of Alaska. They don’t just buy prepackaged meat at the supermarket, mmmmkay?

So leave Sarah alone about the turkey killing that she ignored during her interview. To her it was no big deal. If it was such a big deal to you, become a vegetarian – because you’re clearly not cut out to be a meat-eater.

I know some of you hate political posts. Please read this one anyway.

I’ve been tempted to write another post about Sarah Palin and her ignorance. I’ve been tempted to write a post about my loss of respect for McCain, between his disrespect of Obama at the debates and his extremely negative campaign ads. I’ve been tempted to write about the economy. I’ve been tempted to write about my disappointment in Congress.

But what good would it do? Researching the post would probably make me more angry. Many of you would agree with me – which is awesome, of course – and those that don’t would probably skip the post. So instead I’ve got a favor to ask.

We’ve all gotten political emails that shock us. We’re all watching negative campaign ads. We’re all (I hope) seeing debates (or debate soundbytes) where candidates stretch the truth. And that scares me. Because some of us are believing things that aren’t true (Obama is a Muslim ? Sarah Palin is middle class?). So all I ask is this, when you see an ad/get an email/hear something shocking, check it out with a neutral party. There are websites devoted to explaining – without bias – where the candidates actually stand on the issue.

Factcheck.org

Politifact

Project Vote Smart

Don’t vote out of fear, vote because of your knowledge.

I’m an elitist.

After all, I have a master’s degree.

Both of my degrees are from private colleges, no less.

I read the New York Times (on Sundays, anyway).

I eat arugula.

I’ve never hunted.

Never mind that I’ve actually worked with and taught the children of the poor and working class. Never mind that our budget is so tight these days that I’m using the Amazon gift certificates I get for reviewing things here to buy my kids winter clothes. Never mind that I know how many homes, cars and pairs of shoes I have.

You’d think budgeting and a husband who grew up in an actual small town in the heart of America would give me some “regular people” cred. And maybe they would, until I opened my mouth. You see, I don’t care that Sarah Palin is a mom like me. I don’t care that Barack Obama was raised by a single mom. I don’t care that John McCain was at the bottom of his college class. I don’t care about their “regular” credentials.

They are powerful politicians (yeah, even Sarah, seeing how she runs the entire state of Alaska and all) and no matter how humble their origins (you all realize that technically, Obama wins the humble origins sweepstakes, right?) they will never know what it’s like to be an “ordinary” American. AND THAT’S OKAY.

Ordinary Americans eat at McDonald’s – even though they know it’s bad for them. Ordinary American’s can’t find Iraq on an unmarked map. Ordinary Americans watch “The Hills”. Ordinary Americans wear Crocs to decent restaurants. Ordinary Americans don’t understand economic theory. Ordinary Americans don’t watch Friday Night Lights.

Are these SERIOUSLY the people you want running the country?

Personally, I would like a leader who understands economics, political science, world history, the Constitution, how to behave with foreign dignitaries and in various foreign countries, geography, English grammar and SAT words, what the vice-president and the rest of the Cabinet does, sociology and educational theory.

Because, uh, the president is responsible for making decisions in all of those areas. So s/he should know something about them. And be able to remember it for more than ten minutes. And I don’t know many “Ordinary Americans”, brilliant though some may be, who can converse intelligently on all of those topics.

So I suppose what really makes me an elitist is that I want the smartest person to win. My dad is having major surgery in December. I really don’t care if his surgeon is an asshole, as long as he’s brilliant at what he does. In fact, I hope he (not being sexist, it really is a he) graduated first in his class at an Ivy League medical school. And got perfect scores on his boards. Because this is my dad we’re talking about. And I bet everyone understands my feelings, right?

So why don’t people feel the same way about who they vote for? The president is responsible for the life of our country, after all.