Dirty Little Secret

Ironflower has never been a big eater. When I went back to work when she was three months old, I only pumped once a day. I had to lock my classroom door and put up a sign, and sit there for most of my lunch, pumping with one hand and eating with the other. I missed talking to my colleagues. I hated the fact that I just had to sit there because I didn’t have enough hands to read as well (I did not teach in the kind of district that had TVs in each classroom, nor had Hulu been created yet). I spent three months staring at the world map to entertain myself. And I despised pumping.

Not only did it ruin my lunch period (and if you spent every morning trying to teach 24 hyperactive 6 year olds to read, you would value your lunches too), it was uncomfortable. Nursing was (and still is) easy for me. I rarely leak, my nipples only hurt after being bitten (why is it that we’re supposed to nurse for a year but the little buggers start practicing biting at six months?) and I make plenty of milk. But pumping is a totally different story. I don’t make a lot of milk for the machine, nor did I fit into my old one. I quit teaching the summer after Lovebug was born and I gleefully threw my pump in the closet. It didn’t even make the move.

I didn’t buy one for ChunkyMonkey. I saw no harm in letting him have formula for the rare occasions I wasn’t around. Except that he hated formula. All kinds of formula. In all kinds of bottles. Still, I didn’t want to buy a pump. Because I’m cheap. And I didn’t want to borrow a pump or buy one from Craigslist. Because that seemed weird to me. So I was just resigned to being with ChunkyMonkey pretty much all the time. Or hearing about how terrible he was whenever I left.

And then Mom Central said that Evenflo had a new breastpump that I could try for free, eliminating most of my pump issues in one swoop. The Comfort Select Performance Dual Auto-Cycling Breast Pump showed up on my doorstep, with it’s more effective cycles and BPA-free materials and stable bottle stand. I still don’t love pumping – who does? But now I can actually stand it. I am only sorry that I didn’t have this when I had Ironflower, because then I would have actually gotten to eat lunch after pumping.

But Mom Central didn’t just send me one pump – they sent me TWO. One is for me to GIVE AWAY to one lucky reader. You will get a great pump and four boxes of breast pads (two boxes were supposed to be for me, but I never have to use them. Go ahead and hate me.) IF you leave a comment here by midnight on Friday, May 1st. I will announce the winner Saturday. I will email the winner

Even if you’re not breastfeeding, it’s still worth entering the contest. I mean, how cool would it be to give this awesome breast pump at the next baby shower you attend?

If you’ve ever read this blog, you know that I don’t cook.  Not really, anyway.  Despite what  Hot Guy says, I CAN boil water. I didn’t starve when I was single, and my children don’t starve when Hot Guy is out of town. But that’s about all you can say for my cuisine.

Only once in my life has anyone asked me to cook for a holiday, and neither the relationship nor the dinner worked out. Yet I still lust for pretty and fancy kitchen appliances. So I entered a contest at Electrolux to win a fancy wall oven or range. One like this:

All you have to do is upload a video, picture or story about your quest for the perfect turkey. Actually, you can enter all three to increase your chances of winning. Because you want a fancy new range, don’t you?

Brought to you by MomCentral.

Books are like crack for me. If libraries didn’t exist I would totally have to whore myself out to support my book habit. Seriously. So imagine my complete joy when I started getting emails from publishers offering me copies of books, if I would only review them on my blog. I can only hope that it’s not like  those drug dealers who offer free samples to get you hooked and then start demanding outrageous payments.

I’m generally happy to read whatever kind of book the publishers want to send me, partially because I like to think of my tastes as eclectic but mostly because no one is offering me books on organic chemistry. (Thank God) A few weeks ago I got an email entitled, “Slummy Mummy”. Hoping it was a book and not a personal slam, I was thrilled to find out that not only was it a book, it was one that someone wanted me to review.

The title snagged me immediately – who hasn’t felt like a slummy mummy? (Er, except for you dads and non-parents, I mean) The book centers on main character Lucy Sweeney, a London (I love books set in London, they feed my fantasy of living there someday) stay-at-home mom to three sons and an over-worked husband. Lucy’s intimidated by the seemingly perfect moms on the parent committee, has a crush on the cute stay-at-home dad and lives in a state of constant state of domestic crisis. In short, most of us can identify with at least one aspect of her life.

This is not a deep novel. If you’re questioning your place in the universe, Slummy Mummy is not going to help. If, however, you need a good laugh at the end of the day, this is the PERFECT book. It really did make me laugh out loud in places. Other places had me groaning in sympathy. Lucy and most of the other main characters are pretty believable and engaging, even if the situations can seem a bit extreme. It reminded me of Desperate Housewives – the characters seem so real that you forget how impossible most of the plots are. And some of the lines are just terrific.

The ending stretches credibility a bit, but no more than any other great beach read.  A number of reviewers have likened Lucy to Bridget Jones, which I can definitely see. (This book would be a better sequel than Edge of Reason, anyway) So if you liked Bridget Jones, I recommend reading this book. Those of you who wanted to slap Bridget, well, you should probably skip this one.

For those of you who are interested in reading Slummy Mummy by Fiona Neill, I am having my first contest. Leave a comment – preferably with a story about how you’ve been a slummy parent and/or person – and one commenter will be chosen to win my copy of Slummy Mummy.  Comments close at midnight on Friday and I will announce the winner on Saturday. Good luck!