Dirty Little Secret

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So we are now back from two weeks at a lake, surrounded by family and supervising Ironflower and Lovebug in their flower girl/ring bearer debut. I meant to actually post while I was there, but each day was filled with family activities, too much wine and chasing my now-mobile baby around an un-baby-proofed house.

To write about the whole ordeal vacation thing would require more patience than I have and more posts than anyone is likely to read, so I thought I’d just share a few random observations.

1. It is a shame that we don’t live closer to my cousin’s kids, who are the ideal playmates for my own.
2. Three year old boys don’t really make good ring-bearers. At least not when they’re thirsty, haven’t napped and have no parent in the wedding party.
3. A vacation without a nanny is not really a vacation for everyone involved.
4. Rushing through a hike, however short the hike, kinda misses the whole point.
5. Ballroom dance lessons do not a fun reception make.
6. Four year old girls with princess complexes do make good flower girls. Except when they forget that the wedding is supposed to be about the bride.
7. My dad’s side of the family can drink an awful lot of wine. And still dance well.
8. Oh my god, how in the hell can I be THIRTY-EIGHT? Shouldn’t I be mature by now?
9. I want to live on a lake.
10. And own a boat.
11. Every restaurant should have a playground.
12. Some people should learn the difference between small talk and conversation.
13. Sometimes playing Lexulous is more fun than writing.
14. Some Republicans are really, really nice.
15. My husband looks very good in a suit.
16. Ironflower has good instincts about people.
17. ChunkyMonkey LOVES chocolate cake. Already.
18. Never leave the TV on all night in your three year old’s bedroom.
19. Babies sleep better in rooms with no windows.
20. It’s probably a bad sign when a gown makes you think of Cruella De Vil.

What have you learned while I’ve been gone?

Thank you to Random.org for allowing me to find the winner of the breast pump give away:

Twinsies Mom!

Congratulations!

*With apologies to Jack Kerouac for an attempt to mimic his style. And apologies to readers loathing Jack Kerouac, an outline of the experience follows.

January 22nd,

We’re driving and it’s fine to drive with a four year old, an almost three year old and a two month and no DVD player but two Leapsters so this is going to be no problem and I can totally handle whatever happens.. . .

I am hearing a strange noise as we pull into this massive traffic jam on the inside loop of the capital beltway and I am annoyed because Garmin girl has dragged us into this mess even though she had us use the loop around Wilmington Delaware which was dumb but Hot Guy listens to her and it sounds like someone is dumping out their juice and why they hell would one of my kids do that they are better behaved than that, especially in traffic jams. The stress is emanating from Hot Guy as we come to basically a full stop and I turn around to yell at whoever is dumping out their juice. At first I just see a flash of brown hitting the floor in front of Ironflower’s seat and I realize she has not dumped out her juice. . . .she is FREAKING THROWING UP all over herself, her Leapster and her carseat and I am in a fresh circle of hell as I yell this to Hot Guy and we discover that we are nowhere near a FUCKING exit and the traffic has STOPPED and how can I help my little girl and we never should have let her eat chocolate munchkins again.

Gas stations are not good places to buy extra cleaning supplies and Hot Guy better stop bitching about all the extra bags I have in the car otherwise we’d have to dig out more stuff to get the poor kid a new outfit and she’s going to freeze without her winter coat and oh my god I hope there’s a washing machine at the hotel tonight and THIS IS DISGUSTING and all is stained and now we are a whole hour behind.

I can’t believe the traffic just keeps going and going and I hate Garmin Girl this is her job and we’re in Richmond and there’s still a traffic jam and please god Lovebug stop screaming I want out of my seat too oh for the love of god ChunkyMonkey you need to stop screaming too we’re almost there and it’s so dark.

What do you mean there’s no playground here anymore that and the cheap price are the only reason we’re staying here of course your washing machine’s not working AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH please stop jumping off the bed kids there’s not enough room and I’m terrified that you’ll be hurt and the trip will get worse

it’s one am and everyone is sleeping but me. . . .
now it’s three am and everyone is awake except the baby. . .

I can’t believe everyone woke me up except him and why is it so cold after we’ve driven so far south but today has got to be a better day north carolina is warmer and it’s easy to find the lunch place we wanted to try I can’t believe they just asked us if we wanted smoking or non and wow, I’m one of the skinniest people here I kind of like this state though I think it’s funny that a Mexican family is clearly running this southern buffet .

Oh my there are a lot of cops how can we make up time if the entire police population is on I-95 in North Carolina.

Wow, I don’t think there are any cops in South Carolina.

To be continued. . . .

Mama Rock’s Rules, the new book by Chris Rock’s mom Rose (with Valerie Graham), is subtitled, “Ten Lessons for Raising a Household of Successful Children”. In it, Rose Rock uses her experiences raising 10 children, 17 foster children and teaching countless others to bluntly tell you how to raise your children.

And that’s not a bad thing, exactly. If you’re feeling lost and/or confused in your role as a parent, this book has a lot of advice about what your role REALLY is (you are not your child’s friend and that is a good thing) and how to succeed in it. One section is even entitled, “Pull Out That Can of Whup-Ass”, so you know that this isn’t some touchy feely book that makes you fearful of reprimanding your children, lest you damage their self-esteem.

Not that there’s not plenty of advice on building your child’s self-esteem, it’s just her belief is that self-esteem comes from appropriate praise and strong boundaries. Mama Rock demands respect, gives respect (in both praise and consequences) and has high expectations. And it’s hard to argue with someone whose children include a world-famous comedian, a minister and a small business owner. She obviously knows what she’s talking about when it comes to raising children.

Some of the advice seemed obvious to me, such as the section on reading – of course you should start reading to them as soon as possible! Of course it’s the key to everything! And I was a bit annoyed by the end of chapter summaries, because it’s not like the chapters were all that long or complex. I also disagreed with her section suggesting making the oldest child (or the oldest child at home) responsible for everyone all the time – she mentioned a story about Chris getting in trouble because his younger brother had lost his mittens. I think that’s unfair. But then again, Chris Rock seems to have recovered from all that responsibility quite well, hasn’t he?

In general, I liked the book. I liked it so much I wish I could have given it to a mom at the park the other day. Her son (who was about 3) kicked my son every time he tried to climb the ladder. And she would say, “No, no, don’t do that honey, ” while I comforted my hysterical two year old. Ironflower and Lovebug have each physcially assaulted another child once. And each time, we left the park immediately. And now they don’t do it anymore. I’m pretty sure Mama Rock would approve. Though she doesn’t get into a lot of specifics, especially for small children.

Though the chapter on sex was pretty specific. I really liked the line, “Less talk means more action.” She goes on to explain that, “Studies show that teen pregnancy, STDs and emotional problems are highest in the groups where sex was never discussed.”  She then goes on to give helpful tips on how to talk to your kids about sex and how to make them visualize the consequences.

Give this book a try if you’re feeling like your kids are getting out of control, or you’d like to hand it out to certain mothers at the playground.

This review brought to you by MotherTalk.

It has already been asserted that I don’t really cook. And I’m not a stickler about dust. Or clutter. But, I always told myself, at least I’m good about the laundry. I do it on Mondays and Fridays and I always get things folded and put away that night. It’s my thing.

But last night poor Ironflower had a poop too big for the diaper, which caused her much distress when she woke up and tried to roll over. The poop, of course, got everywhere – sheets, comforter, Hubby’s clothes. So, even though it’s a Tuesday, I am currently doing laundry.

And that’s my only excuse for how I managed to put the bottle of stain remover into the washing machine. Because I don’t do laundry on Tuesdays. How else would I have managed to miss putting a huge plastic bottle into my washing machine? I hadn’t even realized it was there until I opened the washer to take the comforter out.

I guess it’s time to scratch “Domestic” from my Diva title entirely.

On another note, stain remover spray bottles can survive warm washes completely undamaged. Just in case you ever need to know that.

If I was an old curmudgeonly crone, I would complain about these things today. I would bitch and bitch until the nurses brought me a Valium. Unfortunately, while I am edging closer to crone status, no one is bringing me any Valium. So instead I blog.

Things That Tick Me Off:

1. The “Right To Dry” movement: This a movement for people who are ticked off because their communities’ bylaws won’t allow them to put up clotheslines. Yes, in an age where we are at war, where people are starving to death every day, where for every cured diseases there are three new ones, these people are fighting for. . . .clotheslines. Ever heard of moving? Using the basement? Using the bathroom? I mean, do we really need a movement for this?

2. Chocolate Altoids: I LOVE chocolate. I like Altoids. But this combination is just wrong. It’s not that I don’t like minty chocolate, but there are levels. Altoids are too strong. I mean, I also like french fries, but that doesn’t mean they need to be coated in chocolate. Sometimes you want chocolate, sometimes you want fried goodness and sometimes you want a breath mint that will cure garlic. It doesn’t mean all the good stuff has to go together.

3. Starbucks in My Grocery Store: If you live in any region but the northeast, trust me when I say that your grocery store can handle a Starbucks. Mine can’t. Here in Bergen County, land is scarce. Stores are small. You are lucky if you can get two carts across an aisle. With the stores already overcrowded, why are we taking up precious space with a Starbucks? There are already FOUR places to get morning coffee in our town of less than 7,000. Besides, who really wants to spend more time at the grocery store? Are you really going to meet a friend for coffee. . .at the grocery store?

4. Missy, SuperClassParent: Yesterday was Ironflower’s preschool’s fundraiser at Barnes and Noble. Basically, the more money you spent at the store, the more money the school got. The teachers all had wish lists, yadda, yadda. I overheard the event organizer talking about big spenders this morning. Missy spent $500 yesterday. On the teachers, not even on Christmas gifts. Who spends that? Okay, I would love to. But that is so not gonna happen.

So, please tell me I’m not the only one. What dumb stuff is ticking you off today? (children and husbands not included, because that goes without saying)

Since it seemed that some of my blogrolls were causing peoples’ computers to crash and that even I had no idea what was at the bottom of my page, I decided to revamp the whole blog. Not being gifted at things like code, this was not an easy task. But I think I’m pretty pleased with the results.

But I really want to know what you think, faithful (or unfaithful, I’m not picky in Blogland) readers. Do you like it? Did I accidentally leave you off of my blogroll? Do you miss my countdown to the end of Bush’s presidency? Let me know – in comments or at thejerseygirl89 at yahoo.com. Thanks.

I’m making dinner right now.

You’re probably so impressed that I can blog and cook, right?

Unless you’ve been here before and remembered that I cannot, in fact, actually cook. So I am only making skinless, light hot dogs. And tater tots. And microwaved peas. So it’s not so much cooking as waiting for things to be done.

But still, I too was feeling reasonably impressed with myself. The children were playing with each other nicely. Dinner (with a vegetable!) was cooking. I felt like such a domestic goddess.

Then I noticed that the hot dog water was still not boiling (you don’t think I grill, do you?). I went to the stove. The burner was on. I looked in the pot. The hot dogs were already in it.

I put the hot dogs in the unboiling water. Possibly even before I turned the burner on.

Who does that?

Not domestic goddesses, that’s who.

I’m on a diet.

I am on a diet.

I have been on a diet for over six hours now.

I have not been on a diet since 1996. Until I had children, I would just increase the amount of time I exercised, or eat 100 calories lunches for a while, to lose weight. I think diets are always about restricting (no carbs!) or proscribing (grapefruit at every meal) things that are impossible to maintain for life. Or maybe I just have control issues.

Anyway, after giving up dieting, I lost some weight and learned to accept my size 10 self. Unfortunately, I am no longer a size 10. Pregnancy caused me to forget what portions are. I no longer have time to exercise for an hour and a half a day. Jeans that I wore when I was four months pregnant with Ironflower no longer fit me.

So I have given myself a calorie limit for each day. And that’s it.

No fancy calculations or food combinations or whatever. Just me and my math skills.

Just writing this makes me want a glass of wine (or four) and a huge slice of cheesecake. And I don’t even like cheesecake.

(BTW, this is not going to become a diet blog or anything. But if anyone wants to check up on my habits in a couple of weeks, I’d appreciate it.)