Dirty Little Secret

I watched Jersey Shore last night. Yes, I’m pretty sure I lost some IQ points, not to mention some self-respect. Also? I’m so, so glad that no one ever filmed me while I was drunk. Sure, I probably wouldn’t have spent so much of my youth drunk if I’d known I was being filmed, but still.

The true problem here, of course, is that most of the shows I’m proud to watch are in hiatus right now or off the air completely. I long for the day when I can design my own TV channels so that I never wind up watching Jersey Shore again. Wouldn’t it be awesome to be able to program your own channels, like some merger of Hulu and a cool video game?

I’ve been pondering this in the hours that I’ve been scrubbing the house (the rest of the family comes home tonight to a spotless house that I’m sure they will demolish within 3 hours) and I’ve come up with 3 channel ideas:

Great Drama: The West Wing, The Sopranos, Friday Night Lights, Homicide, Oz, Mercy, the first few seasons of ER, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Cold Feet, Fringe

Great Comedy: Sex and the City, Desperate Housewives, Modern Family, Friends, Arrested Development, Glee, Absolutely Fabulous, selected seasons and sketches of Saturday Night Live,

Great Trash: The Real Housewives, Real Sex, House Hunters, Bridezillas, Project Runway, Degrassi, Top Chef

I feel like I’ve forgotten some great shows, so please leave suggestions in the comments. What would your ideal channel show all day? What kind of channel have I forgotten?

Also, if you could please, please, please like my page on Facebook or follow my blog (or both) I promise I’ll reward you when I win Powerball.

The chances of my exercising will power are about as good as the chances of my exercising an ability to fly. It’s just not going to happen, not above and beyond the will power I already exercise to get out of bed each morning and deal somewhat cheerfully with dressing, entertaining and feeding 3 small children while also writing an article or two. And doing a zillion dishes, because we just can’t swing a new dishwasher right now. And sweeping up after the toddler. And you know, just dealing with crap.

So the chocolate gets eaten. The Lexulous gets played. And the TV gets watched. And watched. And watched.

Then I have a moment where I wish I had exercised more will power. Not when my 5 year old daughter is re-enacting RuPaul’s Drag Race. Not when my almost 4 year old son recognizes Stewie from Family Guy. But when I catch myself watching Private Practice.

For those of you with lives, taste and will power, I will summarize. Private Practice is a spin-off of Grey’s Anatomy, only the characters are even more fucked up. And every week there’s a dead kid.

Seriously, every week some guest character’s kid dies and I get all depressed. Yet I watch the show anyway. WHY? WHY? Is it really that important for me to witness Addison sleeping with every male character on the show? Is my crush on Taye Diggs that big? Am I secretly trying to harm myself? Will I start popping Vicodin next?

Why in the hell am I watching this show?

I don’t even know anyone else who watches it, at least not who watches it avidly enough to discuss it (because seriously, Addison, why are you sleeping with Violet’s guy when you wouldn’t date Naomi’s? Why? Why?). So keeping up with discussions doesn’t excuse watching the show.

It must be that I don’t have the will power to stop.

Is there a support group for this? Because, after last night’s dying newborn debacle, I am SO ashamed that I watch this show. Yet I know I’ll tune in next week, cursing myself all the while.

Do you have any shows you watch despite your shame?

A lot of things are different this time around. I’m calm and confident (with the baby, anyway). “Rest” is a relative concept – what I’m doing now would have been considered “extremely active” when I had Ironflower. I no longer have to lift the baby up much to nurse. Ironflower (and Lovebug) show lots of interest in the baby this time. I have tons of stretchy yoga pants to wear – no stress about fitting into “normal” pants.

But I STILL find myself watching Bringing Home Baby. And I am ashamed.

First of all, it’s a reality show. I always feel shame when I watch reality shows. But at least most of the other ones I watch have scandalous and/or interesting aspects that explain WHY I would watch them. There’s no scandal on Bringing Home Baby. Hell, it’s not even interesting. I’m not learning anything – I’ve brought three babies home from the hospital.

Secondly, it involves watching people I don’t know get used to living without sleep while gushing about their newborns. Why should I care? I already know how to live without sleep. And I already know how fantastic my newborn (not to mention my older children) is.

Third, why the hell did these people invite a television show into their homes for this? Are they getting paid (I hope)? Because, second only to the last few weeks of my pregnancy, now is not the time I’d like to appear on television. Call me vain, but puffy and exhausted is not how I’d like to present myself to the world. On top of which, the newborn days are not so exciting that they need to be filmed for thirty-six hours straight. And I’ve yet to see one family that’s actually interesting or funny or dramatic on the show (not that I blame them).

I can still blame hormones for my odd behavior, right?

Please tell me about the lame shows you watch or have watched in the throes of new parenthood.

I think I’ve got about five or six weeks until I have to figure this out, but I’m the kind of person who likes to have the big questions settled ahead of time. And this IS a big question. If my older two are anything to go by, New Baby will protest loudly when I try to read while nursing (I’m sorry, I know there are some women out there who are happy to gaze at their baby during the hours of nursing, but I’m not one of them. After the first few days, I’m pretty ready for distraction). That means that my hours of TV watching will be increasing this fall – as if they weren’t extensive enough already.

Anyway, I’m going to have some new shows to my repertoire. My question is, should one of those shows be the new version of 90210?

The CW is resurrecting the old show, and promises that Kelly and BRENDA (also Nat, but I never really cared about Nat) will be on the show. I mean, Kelly and Brenda!

Before you make too much fun, please realize that when the show originally aired I was in college. And back then, we didn’t have cable in our dorms. No one in the liberal arts had even heard of the internet. Most people didn’t have VCRs or Nintendos in their rooms.  We had seven TV channels for entertainment. And for whatever reason, 90210 was considered great entertainment.

EVERYONE was watching it. I started watching it in the company of all the upperclassmen in my dorm. Several of whom were BU hockey players – gorgeous future Olympians who loved to make fun of Dylan. A year or so later I dated a guy from an Ivy League school – and their campus didn’t have a Fox affiliate. His frat got together every few weeks to watch the taped episodes of 90210 that someone’s mom sent. That’s how popular the show was.

Those of you who remember the later years, well, ick. I know things got bad. I stopped watching sometime when all the characters were in college. But those first few years were so compelling. So, do you all think I should set up the DVR for the new version or not?

I know it probably won’t seem (or be) as good. I know that Hot Guy will make fun of me mercilessly. But I’ll feel a lot better if I know I’m not the only mom in her late (grrr) thirties watching it. So, are any of you going to do it?

Some REAL challenges for contestants on Bravo’s reality shows.

Project Runway:

1. Design a stylish wardrobe – that encompasses the whole nine months – for a pregnant woman on a budget of less than $200.

2. Create a bathing suit that looks great on someone who wears a size 14.

3. Design a nursing top that looks good, actually works and lasts. . . for $20.

4. Make a cocktail dress – that doesn’t resemble a muumuu – for women sized 8 – 18.

5. Create a comfortable version of Spanx.

Top Chef

1. Create a week’s worth of dinners, that can be frozen and thawed throughout the week, and are tasty and nutritious, for $100.

2. Make a healthy Cheeto.

3. Cook a lunch for three picky preschoolers that includes all the food groups and can be made in ten minutes or less.

4. Create a tasty meal from foods found in a typical parent’s minivan.

Shear Genius

1. Develop a cut that looks good with a pregnant woman’s newly thick and straighter hair that will still work after she has the baby and all her hair falls out.

2. Cut a toddler’s hair evenly while the toddler throws a tantrum.

3. Develop a cut that looks good after being slept on.

4. Teach a harried mom to trim her own hair so that it looks good.

Top Design

1. Design a neat, functional play room for less than $200. Actually, design any room for $200.

2. Create a bed that is comfortable for women who are nine months pregnant and is functional for nursing mothers.

3. Make my house stylish – without spending any money.

4. Develop a toy storage line that is practical, affordable and not made of plastic.

Anyone got any ideas for other challenges that Bravo should be using?

In case you are fortunate enough to not be addicted to basic cable, “WE” is the “Women’s Entertainment” channel. A large part of me is offended by the crap that is broadcast on ‘television for women’ – Lifetime women in peril movies and WE series like Bridezillas. Not that I haven’t watched that crap, of course.

But last night when I was watching “WE” I had the worst experience yet. I was watching a new show called ‘Party Mamas’, which basically shows women who go to EXTREME lengths to host the perfect parties for their children. The episode I saw was about this woman planning her son’s bar mitzvah. I was expecting the excessive costs involved. I was expecting the parents to be a little psycho in the planning. I wasn’t surprised that the boy was having urban dance lessons so he could perform at the bar mitzvah.

What horrified me was the mother’s reaction to the boy’s dance skills. Instead of being proud of her talented son, she was dismayed to discover that SHE might not be the center of attention (Guess every bar and bat mitzvah I’ve attended had it wrong, since they all seemed to be about celebrating THE CHILD). So this mother took dance and singing lessons so that she could upstage her son. She kept going on and on about how she had to be the center of attention. When the son’s dance routine went well, she was worried that SHE wasn’t the best performer there.

Didn’t this woman get the mommy memo? The one you get when you bring your baby home and suddenly it takes people an hour to notice that you are the one holding the baby? When you become a mom, your time at center stage is over. You can look fabulous, you can run a company, you can write a book but YOU can’t be more important than your children. Why do you think celebrity babies are such a big deal? Even the paparazzi considers getting shots of them more important than getting photos of their famous parents.

And to think “WE” gave this woman a forum to share her bordering-on-psychopathology level of narcissism. I’m not watching that channel any more. No matter how many polygamists they interview on ‘Secret Lives of Women.’

Hubby thinks I let the children watch too much TV. I’m sure he’s probably right. In an ideal world, my children would maybe watch one show every few days. But in case you haven’t noticed, my world isn’t ideal. We’re still slogging our way through this nasty virus, it’s freaking cold and the playgrounds are covered with snow, the mall and indoor play areas are insane and darn it, I LIKE Noggin.

But Hubby was home with us yesterday and decided that there would be no TV. Ironflower whined briefly, but soon she and Lovebug were busy. But not with their toys. No, they were busy bothering each other. ALL DARN DAY.

We normally have a few incidences of sibling issues a day. Usually they are over almost as soon as they’ve begun. But not yesterday. They kept going and going. They didn’t really stop until Ironflower shoved Lovebug down the stairs and Hubby freaked out. To be fair, I don’t think Ironflower understood why shoving him on the stairs would be any different than shoving him on the floor, but obviously we still have some work to do on “no shoving”.

After that frightening fiasco, they got along better. But they were suddenly incapable of playing independently for even a minute. Even with both of us home, nothing could get done because both kids demanded that much attention.

Maybe yesterday was destined to be a bad day anyway. I don’t know.

What I do know is that Noggin is on right now. And we’ve had no fights this morning. I’ve had enough stolen minutes to compose this. Everyone is happy. And isn’t that what it’s all about?

*****For all of you Wordless Wednesday participants and other fantastic photographers, I’ve just heard about the PhotographyCorner.com 2007 Photograph of the Year contest and I think you all should enter. There are tons of awesome prizes, including Visa gift cards, Photoshop Trio, camera bags and Pro accounts at SmugMug.

Last night after putting the kids to bed, I curled up on the couch to watch the Emmys. I practically skipped with glee as I carried my popcorn to the living room. I had planned for it all day – nighttime chores skipped or done early, Hubby off at rehearsal. I think my excitement level matched the thrill I used to get going to a new club or seeing a new band, but this time I didn’t have to shower.

Hubby doesn’t understand my joy in watching the Emmys, the Oscars, the SAG awards and ANY sport in the Olympics. My reasoning is that when else do you get to watch people live their dreams? (yes, I have a totally sappy side than I manage to hide in public) I cried when Katherine Heigl and America Ferrara won last night. I always cry. I can watch Hallmark commercials and Lifetime movies without batting an eyelash, but let someone win an award or a medal with genuine joy and I need a box of tissues.

I am probably most passionate about the Emmys, though, since I’ve actually seen the majority of the shows and actors honored. I used to make sure to see all of the Oscar movies before the ceremony, but that was back when I was childless. Now I’m lucky if I’ve seen one. And since the only sport I watch during non-Olympic times is football, I’m pretty clueless about who really deserves the curling gold (oh, admit it, you’ve watched curling too!).

In spite of my excitement over some of the wins last night, I feel that the Emmys are too comventional and should allow for ties. So here are my personal Emmys:

Best Drama: The Sopranos/Friday Night Lights/Rescue Me
Best Comedy: Entourage, Ugly Betty
Best Actor in a Drama: James Gandolfini
Best Actress in a Drama: Edie Falco
Best Supporting Actor in a Drama: Taylor Kitsch in Friday Night Lights, T.R. Knight from Grey’s Anatomy
Best Supporting Actress in a Drama: Katherine Heigl for Grey’s, Connie Britton for Friday Night Lights,

(seeing my Friday Night Lights theme yet, people? Watch the show. Please.)

Best Actor in a Comedy: Jason Lee for My Name is Earl
Best Actross in a Comedy: America Ferrara for Ugly Betty
Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy: Jeremy Piven for Entourage, Kevin Dillon for Entourage
Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy: any female cast member of Ugly Betty

So, what do you think? Did you watch the Emmys? Do you care? Who would be on your Emmy list?

I stay up too late. There’s something that makes me feel so cozy and happy when I watch TV all curled up in my comforter. Unfortunately I don’t get around to starting my TV sessions until at least eleven, so I rarely go to sleep before midnight. Okay, one.

Anyhow, our DVR is in the living room, so my late night sessions are not about catching up on Friday Night Lights, Ugly Betty or even The Daily Show. I also can’t watch Law and Order reruns or anything with a plot that might keep me up later than usual. My favorite late nights are when I can flip between Countdown with Keith Olberman (liberal politics on MSNBC) and The Girls Next Door (Hugh Hefner’s girlfriends on E!). I don’t know how many people watch both shows, but I recommend them to everyone.

Last night, however, neither show was on. Nor was Deadliest Catch, Anthony Bourdain, Moving Up, The Real Deal or Secret Lives of Women. But as I was desperately flipping I caught the opening credits of Style By Jury and I paused. The show focused on a mom in her mid-thirties who looked exactly like Courtney Love after a mid-nineties heroin binge, except sluttier. After hearing nasty comments strangers made about her appearance (the Jury) she agreed to a makeover, including one session with a therapist, wardrobe, hair, makeup and cosmetic dentistry. Then new strangers made positive comments about her new look.

The way everyone behaved on the show made me think of Spanish telenovelas. Which would be fine, except that this show purports to be filled with real people, not badly written stock characters. And the woman I saw needed more than a makeover, she needed many sessions of therapy. Courtney Love doesn’t even look like Courtney Love anymore. I’m all for people updating their looks (in fact, I REALLY want to be nominated for What Not To Wear, hint, hint) but the looks on this show were so far beyond bad fashion sense I couldn’t believe they were real. On the next show (which I didn’t watch the end of), an adult woman cheerfully entered the studio wearing two ponytails and a matching red plaid vest/shorts set. She blamed it on being from Mississippi, but I’ve been to MS and I didn’t see anything that bad. Not even at Wal-Mart at midnight. So either this show is a fake or Canadians (it’s filmed in Toronto) don’t recognize cries for help when they see them.

So now I am depressed. My cozy late night television viewing has been mocked by the programmers that be. It’s a good thing I also found The Big Gay Sketch Show.

The last time I was accused of being a prude was 1986. And it was entirely accurate, as I held on to much of my innocence well into adolescence. As I blossomed into an enlightened feminist, however, I stopped blushing when people talked about sex. I saw some porn movies. I read some erotica. I wore shirts that (sometimes, anyway) showed cleavage. I bought a vibrator. I would bring up things I had seen on Real Sex with acquaintances.

And while I can freely admit that I am no longer cool, I still thought I was a long way from being a prude. But apparently, I was wrong.

I watched Women Seeking . . . on VH1 the other night. It started at 10pm – that doesn’t qualify as “late night” on the east coast, does it? And yet there it was – a show devoted to women looking to have lesbian experiences while their husbands look on (or participate, that part wasn’t clear) on Regular Cable.

I have no problem with people being bisexual. I have no problem with couples that want to try threesomes. As far as I’m concerned, sex between consenting adults is none of my business. And consenting adults should be free to talk about their preferences – on their adult blogs, in Cosmo and Penthouse and on premium cable.

If I go near Skinemax after 9pm, I know what I’m going to see. If I watch Real Sex on HBO, I know what to expect. But I do not want to hear about the joys of threesomes when I’m looking for Behind the Music, darn it. I’m all for publicity hungry people sharing their lifestyle choices with anyone who has a camera and a business card that says “documentary producer”, but does it have to be on every channel?

Is the Food Channel going to start showing those freaky food fetish people now? Will Behind the Music start living up to its dirty connotations? Will E! start showing fading stars’ sex tapes? I shudder to think of what this means for the Golf Channel.

And if that makes me a prude, well, bring on the sensible shoes!

television
sexuality