Dirty Little Secret

Today I am ticked off at Kelly Ripa. I don’t want to pick on a fellow girl from Jersey (oh yeah, don’t let the blonde perkiness fool you, she’s from Jersey – so don’t fuck with her), but those appliance commercials she does make me want to find Hot Guy’s old paintball gun and shoot her. In the eye.

Generally, I like Kelly well enough. Anyone who was on Dance Party USA (I so wanted to be on that show) is going to have my affection. Even if she’s a size 2 mother of three with like 7 jobs and oodles of money who plays up the whole ditz thing a little too much. But these appliance commercials are insulting MY intelligence and I don’t play the ditz card. (I do not mean to say that I am never ditzy. Anyone who has ever seen me cook, drink more than 2 beers, or play a game that requires hand-eye coordination can attest to my ditziness. But I’m never playing. All my stupidity is real.)

Anyway, in case you’re one of those people who never has to watch live TV anymore, the commercial or commercials (there may be more than 1 version) show Kelly rushing around a lovely home acting like she’s a housewife who’s busy life has been saved by using the appliances.

Who out there thinks that in addition to hosting with Regis and producing weird shows for TLC and maybe still being on All My Children (I have no idea about that one) and keeping her hot husband happy and hitting the gym for hours each day (I’m assuming) and spending time with her children that she takes the time out to do her family’s laundry? Anyone? Bueller?

I don’t know how much money she and her husband make. Possibly not as much as I’d thought, considering she’s doing these stupid commercials. But still, I think she makes enough to have a cleaning lady. Or five.

And I don’t have a problem with that.  Cleaning sucks (that’s why I blog instead, after all). I will hire a cleaning lady of my own(maybe like Alice from Brady Bunch, but open about her sexuality) as soon as my blog starts making tons of money or I win the lottery. But I after I hire my cleaning lady, I will be changing the theme of my blog and I will NOT be posting about appliances. Because I won’t be doing any fucking laundry.

So Kelly, do us all a favor. Tell the advertising team that we all know you’re not really one of us and that you don’t do your own laundry. You are a blonde from Jersey who appears on national television every day. Tell them to write you a believable commercial. Or else.

I was watching the Wanda Sykes show last night (It was one channel up from the Olympics and I got really sick of staring at Apolo Ohno’s stupid soul patch while waiting for him to skate) and they got into a discussion about how some 12 year old New York City schoolgirl got arrested for writing on her desk.

Now, I missed this story, probably because the only local news I (grudgingly) watch is News12New Jersey. I could Google it now and get all the facts, but they’re not germane to my post and, um, once I start Googling things hours fly by and I realize that I’ve forgotten to feed my children. So if you really care, you can Google it yourself. Preferably after you’ve read my post.

Anyway, Wanda was getting all, “They’ve taken ‘zero tolerance’ too far!” and her guests were all “Oh my, who could handcuff a 12 year old girl?”

I could.

I’ve seen a second grader handcuffed and you know what my main emotion was? Relief.

Granted, the second grader had been throwing chairs at other students and had had to be restrained by 2 adults and hadn’t been writing on his desk, but still. You know what started the assault (yes, I”m calling it assault when a student throws chairs at other students and bites a teacher and bruises several teachers) with the second grader? I wanted him to do his math. His math that he was fully intellectually capable of doing.

His mother’s response, when confronted with her son’s behavior issues, was to tell us not to upset him. Other responses I’ve heard from parents (and yes these are all true, I wrote them all down at one time or another) about things like biting, stealing, cheating and vandalizing include:

“He ain’t my problem when he’s at school,”

“Why you always be picking on my boy?”

“I’ll make sure to smack him when he gets home,”

“Well, my daughter says you punch the other kids.”

“Yeah, she’s bad.”

Most of the students of those parents were not ever arrested at school, at least not while I was teaching them. My school, though I think it had “zero tolerance” on the books, had a more of a let’s-wait-until-you-assault-the-principal- tolerance policy.

So most of those kids? Only got worse. Maybe a few teachers got together and came up with a strategy to help this kid or that kid, but they were all only band-aids. Most of the parents were too stressed, overwhelmed or angry to get involved. They just stopped answering calls from the school.

But when a kid is arrested, that’s different. They have to get involved then. There are social workers and evaluations and all sorts of things. Sometimes this inspires the parent to move to a new school district (that’s what happened with my second grader) but sometimes it actually helps.

I’d rather have a 12 year old arrested for writing on her desk than an 18 year old arrested for vandalizing a store. I’d rather have a second grader in handcuffs than a 14 year old beating someone to death. (Actually what I’d rather have is a world with no unwanted children, where parents have to be licensed and every child knows unconditional love, but I accept reality).

“

Dear Stop and Shop,

I don’t have a lot of willpower. I cope with stress through vices and since  I don’t find hangovers and smoker’s cough compatible with motherhood, I’ve turned to chocolate. (Also french fries. But not from your store. Because frozen french fries don’t do it for me. What was I talking about?)

Anyway, recently I’ve been trying to cut back on the chocolate. Because constantly having to buy new (larger) jeans for myself? Also not compatible with motherhood.

And speaking of compatibility, do you really have to put your bakery-made chocolate chip cookies on a special table right in front of the milk? Seriously? Let me tell you, those chocolate cookies you guys make are GOOD. Not quite as good as my mom’s, but very, very yummy. They have an addictive quality, I think. I mean, I’d avoided the bakery area on the other side of the damn store so I wouldn’t be tempted. But there they were. . . . . .right in front of the one place I can never avoid.

Are you evil, Stop and Shop?

I mean, I know you want to move as much product as possible. . .but you seriously cannot get to the milk  without being in cookie grabbing distance. That’s not product placement, that’s torture.

In conclusion, let me just stay this:

Move the damn  cookies or I’m sending you my clothing bills.

Thank you for your time,

Jerseygirl89

PS

Please do not send me a form letter about eating more vegetables or the benefits of meditation. If you would really like to prevent me from going on a cookie rampage, add a martini bar (and a daycare) to your facility.

I am sorry to post this blog on your day, Dr. King. I know that it is the opposite of tolerance and love for fellow man, but I feel like you would understand.

This may be a foreshadowing of the grumpy old lady I’m becoming, in which case I look forward to smacking these people with my cane someday. . .

1. Pat Robertson. For being everything that’s wrong with today’s Evangelical movement as well as a bigoted ignoramus. Jesus would be helping in Haiti, asshole.

2. The Jersey Shore cast. Not because they’re ignorant trash who are making more money than I am, but because ONLY ONE OF THEM IS ACTUALLY FROM NEW JERSEY.  Spending a summer on the Jersey shore does not make you from New Jersey, capiche?

3. John Gosselin. It’s not like he spends time with his kids any more anyway, and maybe all of his young girlfriends would follow him. Although this whole story is a great case in point about the dangers of marrying young and treating your husband like one of the kids.

4. Glenn Beck. Pandering to the ignorant is so mercenary.

5.The creator of Yo Gabba Gabba. That show is just freaking WEIRD, yet even the baby stares at it if it’s on. And the songs stick in my head for days.

6. My local nemesis. He’s an overbearing stay-at-home dad I see around town all the time who has published a novel based on bashing the people in his playgroup. We’ve met countless times  and have kids the same age and he refuses to remember who I am or speak to me. And his kids are RUDE.

7. The head of NBC programming. First, there’s the fact that Friday Night Lights, one of the best shows on television, is treated like a second-class citizen (WHEN are you putting it on the network? WHEN?). Then there’s was the blatant idiocy of giving Leno 10 o’clock, screwing over Conan and Jimmy somewhat, not to mention all the quality shows that could have gone on then (ie Friday Night Lights, Criminal Intent). And now there’s the end of the 10 o’clock show and all this stupid fighting. But I might let him/her eventually back for approving Community. I like that show.

8. The casting director of the Twilight series. Yeah, I got into the books. Though I’m still not sure why. But I haven’t seen any of the movies and I never will. Robert Pattinson is not hot enough to be Edward and he never will be.

*I know that most, if not all, of these people are American citizens and can’t technically be deported. But it sounds nicer than “shot”.

Leaves.

Specifically, leaves that have fallen. Onto the ground. All over people’s pristine lawns.

I like them there.

I especially like them there when the alternative is for some a**hole with a leafblower to spend an afternoon blowing them into the street. Where they pile up, only occasionally getting picked up by the town.

My parents’ town is the worst, which is odd considering that I think they pay the highest taxes in the county. Anyway, leaves are blown into the street, leaving precious lawns unlittered – but causing cars to slide on them after rains, blocking storm drains and just generally making driving kind of hazardous.

Though even if the huge piles of leaves were picked up regularly and/or didn’t cause driving hazards, I would still be against the whole leafblowing thing. Because seriously, is it really that bad to have leaves on the lawn?

I mean, people drive to the northeast just to look at the leaves while they’re on the trees, but once the leaves hit the ground they’re all of a sudden completely horrible?

I LIKE how they look on the lawn. It being fall and all, it seems rather appropriate. But scores of landscape guys and weekend warriors seems to disagree with me, as blowing them into the street seems to be some sort of county passtime. (And how come I have never, ever, seen a woman with a leafblower? I’ve seen them raking, but not one blowing leaves – and usually sticks, trash and toys – into kingdom come. Why?)

I suppose what really gets me is that after all the noise and air pollution to get rid of the leaves, they wind up blowing back into people’s yards from the piles in the street. So what’s the point?

And you, Bill O’Reilly. And you, Sean Hannity. And most especially you, Glenn Beck. And every news producer who has replayed anything those you idiots have said, which I’m pretty sure covers every media outlet.

Because there’s a difference between disagreement and disgusting behavior, and you all have crossed it. And I happen to know that Bill, at least, is playing a role and doesn’t believe everything he spouts (or lets his viewers spout). But this playing to the lunatic fringes makes me nauseous.

If the birther movement wasn’t bad enough (like that wouldn’t have been checked by all the McCain and Clinton resources already? Seriously?), now we’ve got people comparing Obama to Hitler. If it’s not his “socialized” medicine (I guess then the UK, Canada and Ireland are all socialist countries, maybe we should stop asking them to assist us in our wars), then it’s the fact that schoolchildren sang a song about him. Because it was okay when schoolchildren sang songs about Bush (Jon Stewart showed a lovely song thanking Bush and FEMA for all their help, sung by young Katrina victims, for example), but when people do it for Obama it means he wants to be Hitler? And the schoolchildren are being indoctrinated? Like public school isn’t one long series of indoctrinations?

I mean, I really don’t care if they hate Obama. I certainly had a strong aversion to Bush. But. . . .I didn’t go around comparing him to Hitler. Because you know what? He wasn’t trying to exterminate everyone he deemed undesirable (at least not directly) and he didn’t try to take over Europe. Totally not like Hitler.

And neither is Obama. There’s no extermination, no take over the world plans and no dissolution of Congress.  Nor is he a socialist, if you actually understand the definition of the word. But I guess the viewers love those phrases, whether they’re actually true or not. So the talking heads keep using them, spinning the idiots of this country up until they all think that our president is a too-smart Kenyan who wants to be Hitler or Mussolini.  Meanwhile, proud Republicans like Tom DeLay go on Dancing With the Stars, where they can really make a difference.

But, honestly, would a smart person actually want to be Hitler? He committed suicide. And Mussolini was executed. Demagogues don’t usually walk gently into a luxurious old age. Of course, Rush, Bill, Sean and Glenn know that (I think). They probably know that comparing Obama to Hitler is incendiary and ridiculous. They just don’t care. It’s not about debating about what’s best for our country anymore, it’s about naming calling and who’s “winning” by getting the most viewers and votes for their favorites.

It’s not like they really care.

In my years away from Jersey, I missed some things. Great pizza. People who speak quickly. Bagels. Fellow Yankees fans. Delis. The shore. Diners. But I never missed the cramped movie theaters and I cringed at the thought of driving out here again.

They’ve fixed the movie theater situation, but I’m afraid the driving has only gotten worse.

It used to be that as long as I avoided the highways filled with aggressive speeders and tailgaters, I felt okay. One of the great things about Jersey is that there’s a back way to get pretty much anywhere, so this was not the problem it could have been. But since moving back, my knowledge of the back roads has not been enough.

The psychos are everywhere now.

Sometimes they’re like the bitch who followed me yesterday, two inches from my bumper, gesturing. I was going the speed limit AND there was a lane she could have used to pass me, but she preferred to stay behind me and risk rear-ending me.

Then there was the person today, going ten miles under the speed limit, braking at each (unlit and unsigned) intersection and flipping me off when I darted around her.

And you can’t forget the people driving their hulking SUVs (and I say this as a minivan driver) while talking on their hand-held cell phones (illegal here), who can’t park – or turn – for shit.

Of course there are also the douchebags who think that I too will be charmed by the fact that their car stereos can play R.Kelly very, very loudly. I mean really, why would anyone want to play R. Kelly at all?

Occasionally there seems to be cross-breeding, such as when a tail-gater needs to play his car stereo at full volume, or when a slowpoke is also talking on his cell-phone.

Finally there are the people who really scare me. The ones that think our little provincial highway is, in fact, a NASCAR track. They weave in and out of traffic at 100 miles per hour, as though they were playing a videogame. And I swear it’s not only bitterness because I happen to suck at any videogame that requires driving – though I think it’s really odd that even though I’ve never caused an accident in real life and hardly even get honked at I can’t drive an imaginary car worth a damn – it’s because it’s fucking dangerous.

So here’s a little message, lousy drivers of the world: Get OFF my ASS.

You didn’t think this would be about exercise, did you?

Ironflower got a belated birthday present. I’m sure the gift was given in good faith. I’m fairly sure this person’s child did not receive the same gift for his birthday and that this person didn’t take one look at it and decide to regift it. But even if she did, I totally understand why.

Ironflower received a game called “Lucky Ducks”. It requires batteries. Unfortunately, we actually had the batteries. So Ironflower has been playing the game since yesterday. Lovebug and I have even played with her. The game is simple enough that she can play by herself or with her brother (without fighting). It’s a bit educational. But what it mostly is, is loud. The ducks quack throughout the ENTIRE game.

Which means that while Ironflower entertains herself for an hour – which is fantastic – the ducks quack for that entire hour. Which is not fantastic. In fact, it’s so annoying that I’m kinda hoping that the game breaks. Normally I can ignore – some would say all too easily – the noises my children and their toys make. But the mechanic quacking is DRIVING ME INSANE. And it’s not just me.

This afternoon Lovebug got up and ran away during a Lucky Ducks game. The conversation that ensued was illuminating:

Ironflower: Where are you going? The game’s not over.
Lovebug: NO! NO! NO DUCKS! I PLAY TRAINS!!!!!! NO DUCKS!

And ChunkyMonkey, who normally sleeps peacefully during the screams, shouts and thuds of his siblings, woke up when the Lucky Ducks game came on.

I’m telling you, these quacks are possibly the most annoying sound on the planet.How wrong would it be if the game disappeared suddenly? Or ran out of batteries?

And what the hell should I write in the thank-you note?

So I see on the news that they have positively identified the bones of Caylee Anthony.

I’m not surprised. I am saddened, of course. I mean, what sane person doesn’t find this whole story depressing?

What depresses me more, though, is all the missing kids we don’t hear about. Is Caylee Anthony the only kid to have gone missing in the last six months? Unfortunately, no.

But she’s probably the only cute little white girl with an attractive single mom to have gone missing in the last six months. Sure, I’d like to think that the only reason the media has been all over this story is that Casey Anthony is a compelling villain, but it’s not true. Caylee was adorable. And white.

Jennifer Hudson’s missing (black) nephew didn’t garner as much coverage as Caylee has.

And I’m not saying that there shouldn’t have been so much about Caylee. But over 2000 children go missing EVERY DAY. And roughly 2000 children are murdered by their parents or caretakers every year. So the story of Caylee Anthony is not some weird anomaly that deserves media obsession to the exclusion of stories about all the other missing and murdered kids.

When was the last time you saw a news frenzy about a missing child with dark skin? Excluding Jennifer Hudson’s nephew, the last one I can remember occurred when I lived in Kansas City. In that case, it was a story about how they found the remains of a little African-American girl. . . and were hoping someone would identify her. Because the media obviously didn’t pick up the story when she went missing.

The other thing that ticked me off during this news story – and during that long ago Kansas City story – was the pile of bears and toys placed near the sites. Not that I begrudge honoring the dead. . .but where were all these caring people when these children were being neglected and abused while they were alive? Were they calling the department of children and family services? Were they offering to baby-sit? Were they giving bears and toys to the family or other needy families? Were they helping the stressed out parents around them?

Maybe they were. But while teaching I saw so many people afraid to get involved. . .often until it was too late. Some of those people were actually grandparents. Which brings me back to Caylee. I think
I blame her grandparents almost as much as I blame her mother.

Hot Guy is out of town again. My parents are also out of town. My carpal tunnel has gotten so bad that no matter how much I wear the stupid wrist things, my hands hurt and my fingers are like an old woman’s. My back hurts. I’m not getting enough sleep.

And yesterday I got a phone call form our former cell phone provider, Verizon. The guy was nasty, probably because I owe them money. However, when he said how much I owed, I was confused. I was connected to a different department. Naturally this happened when we were on our way to a play date. So after being put on hold for ten minutes while Lovebug tried to sneak out the door, I asked if I could call back later. I was told I could.

I called back, but of course the right department had closed. So I called this morning. It seems that my bill is larger because of an early termination fee. Except that I specifically called and asked what day I could terminate our old phones safely. I explained this. The woman on the phone explained that since T-Mobile had transferred my husband’s number on the 25th – the day before my contract expiration – I owed the fee. I countered that since my T-Mobile service started on the 27th, how was I to know that they’d transferred it early? No one had mentioned it when I called to cancel my service on the 26th. I also pointed out that we were talking about one freaking day. She said I should blame T-Mobile and talk to them. I said they weren’t the ones charging me $120 that I don’t have. This went on for some time, before I got to the supervisor. I used the term “shitty” to describe the behavior, but I did not call names.

The supervisor was no more helpful – unless I was transferring back to Verizon, in which case she would cancel the fee. I said that was fucking ridiculous. She said that she wouldn’t put up with cursing and hung up on me while I was apologizing for cursing. And then I promptly burst into hysterical pregnant woman tears.

I hate Verizon with a deep passion right now. I think they are being so unfair, especially since both bitches women I talked to said that while it’s not written anywhere that cell phone companies can take numbers early, I should have known that they would do that and thus I would incur the fee – even though it’s noted in my account that I called to find out when I could terminate my contract without incurring the fee and that I called on the 26th to cancel my service and asked about the fee again. And, we’re talking about one freaking day.

I do not trust myself to call back today, not that I’m sure it would do any good. But of course, if I don’t pay them – or don’t pay the fee part of the bill – it will go to collections. My credit doesn’t need that. So, anyone got any ideas? Is there anything else I can do? And if there isn’t, does anyone have any ideas on how to get revenge on Verizon? (Not terrorist type revenge, of course, just the pocketbook kind – I”m not that hormonal. Yet.)