Dirty Little Secret

I feel like I’ve been busy, even though I don’t seem to have accomplished anything lately. Well, the kids are alive – I suppose that’s something, right? Anyway, here are the thoughts I’ve been too busy (or lazy) to turn into posts lately. . .

1. Even though I hate the character Tinkerbell in Peter Pan, I’m so glad Ironflower is now into the whole Disney Fairies thing, instead of the whole Disney Princess thing. The fairies actually do things and have talents, whereas those princesses just wait around to be rescued. I would totally rather have magic powers than beauty.

2. Yesterday’s soft, misty rain made me miss the Pacific Northwest. Today’s steady downpour makes me want to kick things. Also, what the hell, weather? Why am I wearing long pants in August?

3. Shrek the Musical really is awesome. We listened to the soundtrack yesterday – I forgot how truly good a lot of the songs are. The whole thing is so, so much better than the movie. I wish we could take the kids again.

4. Whoever put up the Twitter link that led me to Ebay deserves to be slapped. I am not to be trusted on Ebay. I’m not buying things, I just keeping looking at stuff I could be buying. I won’t bid more than $2, except for the Tinkerbell costume that got me there in the first place. Because otherwise outfitting Ironflower in her desired Halloween costume will cost like $60. Still, it’s hard not bidding $60 for 4 Yankees tickets.

5. Signed Ironflower and Lovebug up for classes at the Y. Instead of doing it online or whenever, there is a huge gathering where people get numbers and then you wait anxiously for your turn, hoping classes are still available. I was warned that I should go early. I got there an hour early and ran into our former neighbor. She had gotten there 3 hours early and had gotten number 3. I was 87. The whole process took 2 hours. Reminded me of my first college registration back in the dark ages. And by the time I’d graduated in 1993 we were registering by phone, at least.

6. My kids seem really hyper and crazy unless I’ve forced them to go outside (in which case they are mellow and quiet) or let them watch TV. Thinking of putting a tent over the patio and putting a TV out there until school starts. Seriously. If my boys don’t stop shrieking and yelling about every little thing I’m going to start wearing ear plugs.

7. I feel kinda sorry for Danielle Staub, even though she is a loony bitch who would never talk to me. (If you don’t know who I’m talking about, uh, don’t worry about it. Your TV viewing tastes are more highbrow than mine). I feel more sorry for her daughters, of course. But she’s just so obviously crazy and you can just see how badly she wanted to be accepted by the “popular girls”. And if she thinks the Manzos are bad, she should totally go hang out with Jill Zarin and Kelly Bensimon. Or that British chick on D.C.

I watched Jersey Shore last night. Yes, I’m pretty sure I lost some IQ points, not to mention some self-respect. Also? I’m so, so glad that no one ever filmed me while I was drunk. Sure, I probably wouldn’t have spent so much of my youth drunk if I’d known I was being filmed, but still.

The true problem here, of course, is that most of the shows I’m proud to watch are in hiatus right now or off the air completely. I long for the day when I can design my own TV channels so that I never wind up watching Jersey Shore again. Wouldn’t it be awesome to be able to program your own channels, like some merger of Hulu and a cool video game?

I’ve been pondering this in the hours that I’ve been scrubbing the house (the rest of the family comes home tonight to a spotless house that I’m sure they will demolish within 3 hours) and I’ve come up with 3 channel ideas:

Great Drama: The West Wing, The Sopranos, Friday Night Lights, Homicide, Oz, Mercy, the first few seasons of ER, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Cold Feet, Fringe

Great Comedy: Sex and the City, Desperate Housewives, Modern Family, Friends, Arrested Development, Glee, Absolutely Fabulous, selected seasons and sketches of Saturday Night Live,

Great Trash: The Real Housewives, Real Sex, House Hunters, Bridezillas, Project Runway, Degrassi, Top Chef

I feel like I’ve forgotten some great shows, so please leave suggestions in the comments. What would your ideal channel show all day? What kind of channel have I forgotten?

Also, if you could please, please, please like my page on Facebook or follow my blog (or both) I promise I’ll reward you when I win Powerball.

Dear charity-seeking neighbor,

We have never met. In fact, I don’t even have a nodding acquaintance with anyone in your section of the cul-de-sac. And yet you sent me this request for a donation to your favorite cause. I am not sure why this bothers me more than if your group had sent me a direct donation request, but it does. Am I suppose to think, “Gee, I’ll give my charity dollars to THIS charity because the lady down the street supports it,”? Here’s the thing; I don’t know you. You could be a Tea Party member. Or a Klan member (same difference?). Living on my street doesn’t tell me anything about your personality. As for your charity, I have only vaguely heard of it and your donation request offered no information. So, no, I won’t be sending them any money. Ever.

Sincerely,

The loud woman from down the street

Dear leaf-blower addicts,

You are not making the world a better place. You are a leading contributor of noise and air pollution. You are wasting precious gas. And by tonight, all that crap you blew off the sidewalk will be right back where it started. Special note to the landscapers of my neighborhood: STOP using the LEAF-BLOWER around my patio, you are actually blowing dirt onto it. Also, stop moving my chairs.

Seriously,

The messy lady on the end

Dear old people who coo at my son

Thank you for smiling instead of wincing when he starts screaming. Thank you for engaging him when I run out of energy. I bet none of you own leaf-blowers. In short, I love you.

Thanks,

The tired lady with the screaming toddler

Dear Ben & Jerry’s,

Stop putting crack in your ice cream. I know it’s in there, because ever since I had “Chocolate Therapy” the other night, I can’t stop craving it. Just once and I am totally hooked. . .just like all those people on Intervention and Addiction. My husband swears that you are good guys and would never do something so dangerous. He says it’s MY problem. So could you please announce that you’re taking the crack out? Then I can prove that I’m right and stop the cravings.

Thanks,

The lady who is running out of elastic-waist pants

Dear NBC,

First you wouldn’t spend the money to advertise how awesome Friday Night Lights is. Then you put Jay Leno on all the time, when Jay is just not that funny to people under 70. Then you screw Conan O’Brien, who is not only funny but classier than you’ll ever be. If you fuck with Mercy, 30 Rock or Community, you’re dead to me.

Sincerely,

The lady who watches way too much TV

Today I am ticked off at Kelly Ripa. I don’t want to pick on a fellow girl from Jersey (oh yeah, don’t let the blonde perkiness fool you, she’s from Jersey – so don’t fuck with her), but those appliance commercials she does make me want to find Hot Guy’s old paintball gun and shoot her. In the eye.

Generally, I like Kelly well enough. Anyone who was on Dance Party USA (I so wanted to be on that show) is going to have my affection. Even if she’s a size 2 mother of three with like 7 jobs and oodles of money who plays up the whole ditz thing a little too much. But these appliance commercials are insulting MY intelligence and I don’t play the ditz card. (I do not mean to say that I am never ditzy. Anyone who has ever seen me cook, drink more than 2 beers, or play a game that requires hand-eye coordination can attest to my ditziness. But I’m never playing. All my stupidity is real.)

Anyway, in case you’re one of those people who never has to watch live TV anymore, the commercial or commercials (there may be more than 1 version) show Kelly rushing around a lovely home acting like she’s a housewife who’s busy life has been saved by using the appliances.

Who out there thinks that in addition to hosting with Regis and producing weird shows for TLC and maybe still being on All My Children (I have no idea about that one) and keeping her hot husband happy and hitting the gym for hours each day (I’m assuming) and spending time with her children that she takes the time out to do her family’s laundry? Anyone? Bueller?

I don’t know how much money she and her husband make. Possibly not as much as I’d thought, considering she’s doing these stupid commercials. But still, I think she makes enough to have a cleaning lady. Or five.

And I don’t have a problem with that.  Cleaning sucks (that’s why I blog instead, after all). I will hire a cleaning lady of my own(maybe like Alice from Brady Bunch, but open about her sexuality) as soon as my blog starts making tons of money or I win the lottery. But I after I hire my cleaning lady, I will be changing the theme of my blog and I will NOT be posting about appliances. Because I won’t be doing any fucking laundry.

So Kelly, do us all a favor. Tell the advertising team that we all know you’re not really one of us and that you don’t do your own laundry. You are a blonde from Jersey who appears on national television every day. Tell them to write you a believable commercial. Or else.

I am so glad The Real Housewives of New York City are back on again. Not that I don’t enjoy watching all the other Housewives shows, because I do.

(See? No shame. No embarrassment. I am letting the entire world know that I watch trashy reality TV. Actually, I do more than watch – I THINK about it.)

But the New York Housewives are my favorites. They’re smarter than the other Housewives. It pains me to say it, Jersey resident that I am, but it’s true. When I watch the other Housewives shows, I’m always listening for grammatical mistakes and the misuse of big words. I’m also always staring in mute horror at the behavior of most of  the husbands. Which is its own kind of fun.

But the New York Housewives generally make sense. And while there are many, many, many things to be said about the symbiotic relationship between Alex and her husband Simon, I’d much rather hang out with him than with Tamra’s husband Simon. That guy is such a douche.

Anyway, what’s great about the New York show is that while the women seem fairly intelligent and have equal marriages (er, those that still have marriages), they are STILL immature and nuts. They have stupid fights, alliances change and where you sit really, really matters. It’s like high school with money.

I would happily go out drinking with any of the New York women (except Kelly, she’s a  complete bitch). I would go out with a few of the Atlanta women too, but that’s it. All the cool Orange County Housewives have left. And the New Jersey Housewives. . . . .

I will watch it when it comes on again. Partially because I like to see places I recognize  on camera. It makes me feel cool. And of course, they do provide a lot of drama. But naturally I find the show embarrassing. I mean, not only is it about New Jersey, it’s about my area of it. And it’s not completely inaccurate. That, quite possibly, is the worst part.

Which is another reason to love the New York show. I’m not from there. Sure, I’m familiar with it. I’ve even been to the Hamptons before. (Once. A long time ago.) But it’s not personal.

Thank God.

The chances of my exercising will power are about as good as the chances of my exercising an ability to fly. It’s just not going to happen, not above and beyond the will power I already exercise to get out of bed each morning and deal somewhat cheerfully with dressing, entertaining and feeding 3 small children while also writing an article or two. And doing a zillion dishes, because we just can’t swing a new dishwasher right now. And sweeping up after the toddler. And you know, just dealing with crap.

So the chocolate gets eaten. The Lexulous gets played. And the TV gets watched. And watched. And watched.

Then I have a moment where I wish I had exercised more will power. Not when my 5 year old daughter is re-enacting RuPaul’s Drag Race. Not when my almost 4 year old son recognizes Stewie from Family Guy. But when I catch myself watching Private Practice.

For those of you with lives, taste and will power, I will summarize. Private Practice is a spin-off of Grey’s Anatomy, only the characters are even more fucked up. And every week there’s a dead kid.

Seriously, every week some guest character’s kid dies and I get all depressed. Yet I watch the show anyway. WHY? WHY? Is it really that important for me to witness Addison sleeping with every male character on the show? Is my crush on Taye Diggs that big? Am I secretly trying to harm myself? Will I start popping Vicodin next?

Why in the hell am I watching this show?

I don’t even know anyone else who watches it, at least not who watches it avidly enough to discuss it (because seriously, Addison, why are you sleeping with Violet’s guy when you wouldn’t date Naomi’s? Why? Why?). So keeping up with discussions doesn’t excuse watching the show.

It must be that I don’t have the will power to stop.

Is there a support group for this? Because, after last night’s dying newborn debacle, I am SO ashamed that I watch this show. Yet I know I’ll tune in next week, cursing myself all the while.

Do you have any shows you watch despite your shame?

I have the flu. I’m on Day 6 and I’m pretty over the wanting to die part. But consequently, I’ve had a LOT of time to watch TV lately. Since my brain still isn’t in tip top shape, I just thought I’d share a few thoughts I’ve had while watching TV the last few days. . ..

*I never understood why my husband hated the Free Credit Report guy until now. But if he starts singing again I’m going to throw my Tylenol bottle at the TV.

*Chelsea Handler needs a new stylist.

*I wonder how much Chuy gets paid?

*I feel bad that Winona Ryder has turned into a joke.

*Wow EHarmony, free matches for Valentine’s Day – how generous! But what about those poor people who you DON’T match . . .how will they feel? (This happened to a friend – I swear it was an actual friend, not me – she joined EHarmony and they told her that no one matched her. She’s happily married now, though.)

*Do I really like “The Deep End” or am I just glad it’s not another stupid reality show?

*I would feel a lot more sorry for Lynn on the Real Housewives if her face moved when she cried.

*It’s only fun to get flowers when you work outside the home and can show off to your co-workers.

* Why do the USA team jackets have to have a huge Polo pony on them? When did the winter Olympics become ghetto-fabulous?

*I’m going to wind up on Hoarders if I don’t clean out my garage. And laundry room. And basement.

*Who is Ray J? He’s no Bret Michaels, that’s for sure.

*Pawn Stars? This would be so much more interesting if it was about porn stars.

*Why do all shows have to have their commercials at the same time?

I am sorry to post this blog on your day, Dr. King. I know that it is the opposite of tolerance and love for fellow man, but I feel like you would understand.

This may be a foreshadowing of the grumpy old lady I’m becoming, in which case I look forward to smacking these people with my cane someday. . .

1. Pat Robertson. For being everything that’s wrong with today’s Evangelical movement as well as a bigoted ignoramus. Jesus would be helping in Haiti, asshole.

2. The Jersey Shore cast. Not because they’re ignorant trash who are making more money than I am, but because ONLY ONE OF THEM IS ACTUALLY FROM NEW JERSEY.  Spending a summer on the Jersey shore does not make you from New Jersey, capiche?

3. John Gosselin. It’s not like he spends time with his kids any more anyway, and maybe all of his young girlfriends would follow him. Although this whole story is a great case in point about the dangers of marrying young and treating your husband like one of the kids.

4. Glenn Beck. Pandering to the ignorant is so mercenary.

5.The creator of Yo Gabba Gabba. That show is just freaking WEIRD, yet even the baby stares at it if it’s on. And the songs stick in my head for days.

6. My local nemesis. He’s an overbearing stay-at-home dad I see around town all the time who has published a novel based on bashing the people in his playgroup. We’ve met countless times  and have kids the same age and he refuses to remember who I am or speak to me. And his kids are RUDE.

7. The head of NBC programming. First, there’s the fact that Friday Night Lights, one of the best shows on television, is treated like a second-class citizen (WHEN are you putting it on the network? WHEN?). Then there’s was the blatant idiocy of giving Leno 10 o’clock, screwing over Conan and Jimmy somewhat, not to mention all the quality shows that could have gone on then (ie Friday Night Lights, Criminal Intent). And now there’s the end of the 10 o’clock show and all this stupid fighting. But I might let him/her eventually back for approving Community. I like that show.

8. The casting director of the Twilight series. Yeah, I got into the books. Though I’m still not sure why. But I haven’t seen any of the movies and I never will. Robert Pattinson is not hot enough to be Edward and he never will be.

*I know that most, if not all, of these people are American citizens and can’t technically be deported. But it sounds nicer than “shot”.

Days like this I’m ready to move back to Kansas City. Not because of my friends or the more affordable lifestyle, but because I need the sun. I cannot take anymore rain. It’s the sole reason that I would never move back to Portland. I LOVE Portland. Especially it’s proximity to the beach and the mountains. Where was I? (See, the rain is even starting to affect my brain.) Oh yeah, RAIN.

You see, it doesn’t rain this much in Kansas City. Ever. And it’ never this fucking cold in JUNE, either.I

I need summer and I need it now.

Today was supposed to be the end of the year picnic/pool party for the kids’ preschool. Thanks to today’s steady downpour it’s being postponed until next week. When Hot Guy will be out of town. Which begs the question. . . .

Am I really going to appear in public, in front of all the lovely skinny mommies, in a bathing suit?

See, if we still lived in Kansas City I would not being having this problem. The party would have been today and Hot Guy could have done bathing suit duty. And, it would be SUMMER.

Or, if we lived in Portland, no one would have planned an outdoor pool party for June. Problem solved.

This weather is so bad that not only am I in a bad mood about it, I’m POSTING about it. I’ve been reduced to posting about the weather. What will I post about next – poopy diapers?

On an unrelated note: Watching the Real Housewives of NJ is really disturbing me. Some of them live in a nearby town – a town where I know people. And they keep eating at restaurants in my hometown. Part of me is appalled that their behavior will forever be associated with my home and another part of me keeps thinking, “See? THIS is why you don’t have more friends here.”

Like most people, I loathe being stuck in traffic. But it doesn’t generally make me angry, as I’ve realized the alternative to traffic: deserted areas called rural areas and inner cities filled with empty storefronts. Both of which make me nervous. The only time I get lose my “gee-this-sucks-I-guess-I’ll-sing-along-with-the-radio” attitude is when the traffic is due to rubbernecking. Then I get pissed.

I remember my first impassioned rant against those who slow to a crawl in order to stare at an accident scene. It was on I-95 in Connecticut and the accident had been particularly horrible. I spent the two hours it took to go thirty miles going off on those who needed to invade the victims’ privacy and dignity SO much that they were willing to ignore everyone else’s need to get somewhere, just so they could stare. (My poor roommate – a four hour drive that turned into six and probably felt like eight hours to her.)

Then last night I shushed my baby because I couldn’t hear the people on Toddlers and Tiaras. (for those of you who have lives – or standards – Toddlers and Tiaras is a show about little girls who participate in beauty pageants). I mean, I was also shushing him to calm him down because I’m such a devoted mother and all, but partly I wanted to listen to the delusional families on the show. And I realized that I am a total hypocrite.

Because what is reality TV but a chance to rubberneck while in the comfort of your own home?

Sure, some of the families/people seem pretty functional and normal (Jon and Kate Gosselin, I’m talking to you) but mostly you’ve got people who have some issues like dressing up their daughters like dolls or having 18 kids or wanting to go on the Rock of Love bus. And that’s just on basic cable – HBO could have it’s own freaky reality channel with Real Sex and Taxicab Confessions (not that I’ve ever recorded those shows. I’ve just heard. Really.)

So basically, I’m watching these shows to find out what horror will happen next. Just like all those a-holes on the highway, staring at accidents.

At least I’m not causing any traffic.