Dirty Little Secret

I am so glad The Real Housewives of New York City are back on again. Not that I don’t enjoy watching all the other Housewives shows, because I do.

(See? No shame. No embarrassment. I am letting the entire world know that I watch trashy reality TV. Actually, I do more than watch – I THINK about it.)

But the New York Housewives are my favorites. They’re smarter than the other Housewives. It pains me to say it, Jersey resident that I am, but it’s true. When I watch the other Housewives shows, I’m always listening for grammatical mistakes and the misuse of big words. I’m also always staring in mute horror at the behavior of most of  the husbands. Which is its own kind of fun.

But the New York Housewives generally make sense. And while there are many, many, many things to be said about the symbiotic relationship between Alex and her husband Simon, I’d much rather hang out with him than with Tamra’s husband Simon. That guy is such a douche.

Anyway, what’s great about the New York show is that while the women seem fairly intelligent and have equal marriages (er, those that still have marriages), they are STILL immature and nuts. They have stupid fights, alliances change and where you sit really, really matters. It’s like high school with money.

I would happily go out drinking with any of the New York women (except Kelly, she’s a  complete bitch). I would go out with a few of the Atlanta women too, but that’s it. All the cool Orange County Housewives have left. And the New Jersey Housewives. . . . .

I will watch it when it comes on again. Partially because I like to see places I recognize  on camera. It makes me feel cool. And of course, they do provide a lot of drama. But naturally I find the show embarrassing. I mean, not only is it about New Jersey, it’s about my area of it. And it’s not completely inaccurate. That, quite possibly, is the worst part.

Which is another reason to love the New York show. I’m not from there. Sure, I’m familiar with it. I’ve even been to the Hamptons before. (Once. A long time ago.) But it’s not personal.

Thank God.

The chances of my exercising will power are about as good as the chances of my exercising an ability to fly. It’s just not going to happen, not above and beyond the will power I already exercise to get out of bed each morning and deal somewhat cheerfully with dressing, entertaining and feeding 3 small children while also writing an article or two. And doing a zillion dishes, because we just can’t swing a new dishwasher right now. And sweeping up after the toddler. And you know, just dealing with crap.

So the chocolate gets eaten. The Lexulous gets played. And the TV gets watched. And watched. And watched.

Then I have a moment where I wish I had exercised more will power. Not when my 5 year old daughter is re-enacting RuPaul’s Drag Race. Not when my almost 4 year old son recognizes Stewie from Family Guy. But when I catch myself watching Private Practice.

For those of you with lives, taste and will power, I will summarize. Private Practice is a spin-off of Grey’s Anatomy, only the characters are even more fucked up. And every week there’s a dead kid.

Seriously, every week some guest character’s kid dies and I get all depressed. Yet I watch the show anyway. WHY? WHY? Is it really that important for me to witness Addison sleeping with every male character on the show? Is my crush on Taye Diggs that big? Am I secretly trying to harm myself? Will I start popping Vicodin next?

Why in the hell am I watching this show?

I don’t even know anyone else who watches it, at least not who watches it avidly enough to discuss it (because seriously, Addison, why are you sleeping with Violet’s guy when you wouldn’t date Naomi’s? Why? Why?). So keeping up with discussions doesn’t excuse watching the show.

It must be that I don’t have the will power to stop.

Is there a support group for this? Because, after last night’s dying newborn debacle, I am SO ashamed that I watch this show. Yet I know I’ll tune in next week, cursing myself all the while.

Do you have any shows you watch despite your shame?

I have the flu. I’m on Day 6 and I’m pretty over the wanting to die part. But consequently, I’ve had a LOT of time to watch TV lately. Since my brain still isn’t in tip top shape, I just thought I’d share a few thoughts I’ve had while watching TV the last few days. . ..

*I never understood why my husband hated the Free Credit Report guy until now. But if he starts singing again I’m going to throw my Tylenol bottle at the TV.

*Chelsea Handler needs a new stylist.

*I wonder how much Chuy gets paid?

*I feel bad that Winona Ryder has turned into a joke.

*Wow EHarmony, free matches for Valentine’s Day – how generous! But what about those poor people who you DON’T match . . .how will they feel? (This happened to a friend – I swear it was an actual friend, not me – she joined EHarmony and they told her that no one matched her. She’s happily married now, though.)

*Do I really like “The Deep End” or am I just glad it’s not another stupid reality show?

*I would feel a lot more sorry for Lynn on the Real Housewives if her face moved when she cried.

*It’s only fun to get flowers when you work outside the home and can show off to your co-workers.

* Why do the USA team jackets have to have a huge Polo pony on them? When did the winter Olympics become ghetto-fabulous?

*I’m going to wind up on Hoarders if I don’t clean out my garage. And laundry room. And basement.

*Who is Ray J? He’s no Bret Michaels, that’s for sure.

*Pawn Stars? This would be so much more interesting if it was about porn stars.

*Why do all shows have to have their commercials at the same time?

I am sorry to post this blog on your day, Dr. King. I know that it is the opposite of tolerance and love for fellow man, but I feel like you would understand.

This may be a foreshadowing of the grumpy old lady I’m becoming, in which case I look forward to smacking these people with my cane someday. . .

1. Pat Robertson. For being everything that’s wrong with today’s Evangelical movement as well as a bigoted ignoramus. Jesus would be helping in Haiti, asshole.

2. The Jersey Shore cast. Not because they’re ignorant trash who are making more money than I am, but because ONLY ONE OF THEM IS ACTUALLY FROM NEW JERSEY.  Spending a summer on the Jersey shore does not make you from New Jersey, capiche?

3. John Gosselin. It’s not like he spends time with his kids any more anyway, and maybe all of his young girlfriends would follow him. Although this whole story is a great case in point about the dangers of marrying young and treating your husband like one of the kids.

4. Glenn Beck. Pandering to the ignorant is so mercenary.

5.The creator of Yo Gabba Gabba. That show is just freaking WEIRD, yet even the baby stares at it if it’s on. And the songs stick in my head for days.

6. My local nemesis. He’s an overbearing stay-at-home dad I see around town all the time who has published a novel based on bashing the people in his playgroup. We’ve met countless times  and have kids the same age and he refuses to remember who I am or speak to me. And his kids are RUDE.

7. The head of NBC programming. First, there’s the fact that Friday Night Lights, one of the best shows on television, is treated like a second-class citizen (WHEN are you putting it on the network? WHEN?). Then there’s was the blatant idiocy of giving Leno 10 o’clock, screwing over Conan and Jimmy somewhat, not to mention all the quality shows that could have gone on then (ie Friday Night Lights, Criminal Intent). And now there’s the end of the 10 o’clock show and all this stupid fighting. But I might let him/her eventually back for approving Community. I like that show.

8. The casting director of the Twilight series. Yeah, I got into the books. Though I’m still not sure why. But I haven’t seen any of the movies and I never will. Robert Pattinson is not hot enough to be Edward and he never will be.

*I know that most, if not all, of these people are American citizens and can’t technically be deported. But it sounds nicer than “shot”.

Days like this I’m ready to move back to Kansas City. Not because of my friends or the more affordable lifestyle, but because I need the sun. I cannot take anymore rain. It’s the sole reason that I would never move back to Portland. I LOVE Portland. Especially it’s proximity to the beach and the mountains. Where was I? (See, the rain is even starting to affect my brain.) Oh yeah, RAIN.

You see, it doesn’t rain this much in Kansas City. Ever. And it’ never this fucking cold in JUNE, either.I

I need summer and I need it now.

Today was supposed to be the end of the year picnic/pool party for the kids’ preschool. Thanks to today’s steady downpour it’s being postponed until next week. When Hot Guy will be out of town. Which begs the question. . . .

Am I really going to appear in public, in front of all the lovely skinny mommies, in a bathing suit?

See, if we still lived in Kansas City I would not being having this problem. The party would have been today and Hot Guy could have done bathing suit duty. And, it would be SUMMER.

Or, if we lived in Portland, no one would have planned an outdoor pool party for June. Problem solved.

This weather is so bad that not only am I in a bad mood about it, I’m POSTING about it. I’ve been reduced to posting about the weather. What will I post about next – poopy diapers?

On an unrelated note: Watching the Real Housewives of NJ is really disturbing me. Some of them live in a nearby town – a town where I know people. And they keep eating at restaurants in my hometown. Part of me is appalled that their behavior will forever be associated with my home and another part of me keeps thinking, “See? THIS is why you don’t have more friends here.”

Like most people, I loathe being stuck in traffic. But it doesn’t generally make me angry, as I’ve realized the alternative to traffic: deserted areas called rural areas and inner cities filled with empty storefronts. Both of which make me nervous. The only time I get lose my “gee-this-sucks-I-guess-I’ll-sing-along-with-the-radio” attitude is when the traffic is due to rubbernecking. Then I get pissed.

I remember my first impassioned rant against those who slow to a crawl in order to stare at an accident scene. It was on I-95 in Connecticut and the accident had been particularly horrible. I spent the two hours it took to go thirty miles going off on those who needed to invade the victims’ privacy and dignity SO much that they were willing to ignore everyone else’s need to get somewhere, just so they could stare. (My poor roommate – a four hour drive that turned into six and probably felt like eight hours to her.)

Then last night I shushed my baby because I couldn’t hear the people on Toddlers and Tiaras. (for those of you who have lives – or standards – Toddlers and Tiaras is a show about little girls who participate in beauty pageants). I mean, I was also shushing him to calm him down because I’m such a devoted mother and all, but partly I wanted to listen to the delusional families on the show. And I realized that I am a total hypocrite.

Because what is reality TV but a chance to rubberneck while in the comfort of your own home?

Sure, some of the families/people seem pretty functional and normal (Jon and Kate Gosselin, I’m talking to you) but mostly you’ve got people who have some issues like dressing up their daughters like dolls or having 18 kids or wanting to go on the Rock of Love bus. And that’s just on basic cable – HBO could have it’s own freaky reality channel with Real Sex and Taxicab Confessions (not that I’ve ever recorded those shows. I’ve just heard. Really.)

So basically, I’m watching these shows to find out what horror will happen next. Just like all those a-holes on the highway, staring at accidents.

At least I’m not causing any traffic.

I haven’t watched an inauguration since Clinton’s first. I was so happy and hopeful that day. But that’s nothing compared to how I feel today. Not simply because while I complained about the Republican presidencies of Reagan and Bush I, those complaints practically disappear when compared with my issues with this past administration.

I liked Clinton. I didn’t like Bush. But I never believed in either one of them. I never thought they were good men.

I believe in Barack Obama. I believe his is a good man as well as a brilliant one. I feel safe knowing he is president in a way that I’ve never felt before. I would like to bask in my happiness.

But I can’t do that and watch the news today.

Obama and Bush have handled this transition with class and sense. They handled the inauguration with class. But the talking heads – because it’s easier to comment on a lovely ceremony than to research and report on other news – are looking for conflict wherever they can find it. Now they’ve moved onto observing Gore and McCain at the luncheon, speculating on what they’re talking about. Hey, news professionals, they’re probably talking about how glad they are to finally be inside.

I think we need to be worrying less about the media having a liberal or conservative bias and worry more about how they have a stupidity bias. There are wars and conflicts going on all over the globe. It’s now come out that we tortured prisoners. We’re still in a financial and real estate mess – one that could always be explained better. The Steelers are going to be in the SuperBowl. So there’s PLENTY of serious news that they could be talking about. And instead CNN is telling me about what they’re eating at the luncheon and wondering what Senator Corbyn and Senator Clinton were talking about.

I read People magazine for gossip and info about luncheons. Or I watch E!. Doesn’t CNN have anything better to do?

I’ve mentioned my love for this show before. It's FINALLY back on regular TV, after a fall on DirecTV only. I stayed up late last night just to watch it with Hot Guy - it's one of the few shows we both like.