Dirty Little Secret

I live in a place where people range from comfortable to wow-is-that-a-Murano-glass-chandelier-in-your-toddler’s-bedroom?-rich. And because of all the perks of living in such a place – the safety, the amazing public schools, the proximity to cultural events, the fact that no one wears house slippers to the grocery store – I try to ignore all the things that bother me about living in such abundance (I didn’t say I always succeeded. I just said I’d try.)

But I can’t ignore this one.

There are a few places that I tend to visit nearly every day. Because my life is exciting like that. Anyway, two of my local places have put out jars to collect change for the people in Haiti. Both places are reputable and reliable and will donate the money without a doubt. If they had any money to donate.

In one place, the jar is empty. In another, where it has been up for a week, it is nearly so.

I would like to think that all of my neighbors have driven their Porsche Cayennes and Ranger Rovers to their banks so that they can wire thousands of dollars to Haiti. I would like to think that they are all too busy using their credit cards to carry change to put in the jars. I would like to think that they just haven’t noticed the jars.

But the jars are rather obvious. In one case, there was even an email about the jar. And who doesn’t keep change in their car?

Every day, when I drop in all the change I can scrounge up, I keep hoping that the jars will be full. Maybe I’m obsessed with them because I can’t write a huge check or volunteer for Doctors Without Borders. Maybe they just seem so important to me because helping to fill them is all I can do. Maybe this is why I’ll never own a Range Rover – I can’t save money worth a damn.

Would this bother you? Does the idea of the empty change jars in what is literally one of the wealthiest counties in the country bother you? Or am I just being bitchy again?

I felt guilty when I first read it. “Oh my God, I do that all the time! I did it to all 3 kids! I’m so irresponsible!” And then, well, then I took a deep breath. I turned off the “Supermom” voice, the one that screams (internally) whenever the baby eats a cracker from the floor, the one that panics (mostly internally) whenever she sees one of her child’s peers exhibit a skill her child doesn’t have, the one who is thinking about learning to knit just because she thinks moms should know how, not that she has actually interest.

I reread the paragraph. “What was she thinking?” I wondered this time around.

The “she” is some mom who wrote to Parents magazine because her daughter’s car seat fell off the shopping cart. Now that sucks, and I’m very glad the baby was okay. Apparently, the shopping cart went over a bump and the car seat fell off the top part. The part where I’ve been putting my car seats for the last 5 years.

I have never had a car seat fall.

Possibly some of that is luck. And possibly some of it is that when the terrain is bumpy, I freaking hold on to the car seat.

Look, I’m not judging. I’m sure this woman is much more patient than I am and spends hours reading to her baby every day. I bet there are no crackers on her floor. So I’m NOT saying I’m better than she is. I’m really not. I’m just saying. . .didn’t she ever notice what the car seat did when it was bumpy? How it bounces it bit? How did she not notice?

And why did Parents magazine have to publish this? Now poor new moms are going to be strapping their babies into Bjorns and not giving their poor backs a damn rest while at the grocery store. Why not just say, “Hold the car seat in the parking lot”?

Is it really too much to ask people who procreate to have some sense?

I like to call myself a realist. Some might say “cynical bitch”, but those people also might say “I think The Bachelor helps people find true love”, so really, who cares what they think? Anyway, I really soured on romance thanks to my ex-husband, who was a great one for romantic gestures and also for being a total selfish asshole, but even as a child I wondered how an abused maid like Cinderella would get along with a prince’s family.

I’m always looking for the dark backstory, and generally there is one. Let’s take Chastity Bono – er, I mean Chas Bono – shall we? When I was a little girl in the ’70’s, I watched Sonny and Cher with my mom. My favorite part was whenever little Chastity came out in a sparkling dress that matched her mother’s. I secretly longed for a mom with straight hair who wore glittery dresses on TV, one who would put me on TV too. I got over it quickly, especially after I heard that Sonny and Cher got divorced. I got even more over it when Sonny became a Republican politician. And, er, now that little Chastity is a man (not that there’s anything wrong with that) . . .well, let’s just say it’s probably good I never wore a sparkly dress on TV.

Sure, sometimes I think it would be nice to think that Katie and Tom do really love each other and that it’s not just a business arrangement, or that EVERYONE on Rock of Love was acting, but that’s not who I am. But as I listen to the news and read magazines, I start to wish that everyone was more like me.

We’re going to run out of oil. Health care costs are going to be out of reach for the average American. We’re not going to just “win” the Middle East like we did World War II. People who can’t afford it, are too young or too insane for it are going to keep breeding. Not everyone can own a flat screen TV.

And we need to accept that.

Our current situation is the dark backstory to the Reagan and Clinton years. Every politician proclaims that he or she can fix things, if this or that bill is passed it will fix things. Bullshit.

Can’t we just stop being optimistic Americans for one minute and realize that fighting on Fox News isn’t going to fix jack shit – and neither is either political party? We need to accept our dark back story and learn how to manage it.

Look at Chas Bono. Her mother is a gay icon, the ultimate feminine fantasy-woman. Does Chas try to emulate her? Try to become her eager assistant? Try to become an earth mother archetype in rebellion? No. He goes in a completely different direction. Not dwelling on the past or hostiley rejecting it.

Although, the cynical part of me wonders how much of it had to do with those sparkly dresses.

Last night I watched the commercial for “Teach Your Baby To Read!”, a product that teaches babies and toddlers to memorize the shapes on flashcards read. The urge I had to smack all those parents upside the head, well, it reminded me of my urges when I watch the kiddie pageant spectacle, Toddlers and Tiaras.

It’s the same damn thing.

Poise, the ability to walk in high heels, reading. . .those are all great skills to have. Reading’s obviously more important, but still. In our looks-obsessed society, the ability to wear lip gloss without it going all over your teeth can’t be denied. But why the rush?

Four year olds don’t need to look polished to do well at preschool.

And babies don’t need to be able to read. And, in fact, they aren’t actually reading. Sure, I saw them say the words on the cards, or gesture to indicate that they knew what the word was. But that’s not actually reading. They didn’t decode (aka “sound out”) the word and they sure as hell didn’t comprehend its meaning from the surrounding text.

I’ve taught lots of kids to read and I guarantee that none of them would have read for real any more quickly had they memorized the words for body parts as babies. If their parents had talked to them more, read them more stories and/or not let them spend all night watching horror movies, that might have helped. But this stupid program? Not so much.

A colleague once referred to me as “The Reading Bitch”, that’s how into teaching reading I was. I might have been a little militant. I might have distributed timelines and scopes and sequences and lesson plans to my elementary school teacher colleagues a little obsessively.

And yet my baby has no idea what letters even are. But I have gotten him to sit still long enough to finish listening to “Touch and Feel Farm”. I’m kinda proud of that. Because it’s age-appropriate.

I suppose in a world where first graders have cell phones and grandmothers attend Botox parties, age-appropriate isn’t a very popular concept. Sure, everyone clucks over the pageant kids, made up and hairsprayed like teenage prom queens, but they still have their own shows. And I’ve yet to hear anyone talk about, much less criticize, “Teach Your Baby To Read”.

The truth is, kids who memorize easily (or very early), often have a hard time reading more difficult text when they hit second or third grade. And forget about developing their thinking skills. Memorization does jack for those. But all those parents can now brag that their one year olds can read, which I guess is more imporant than age-appropriate or thinking.

Score another one for the assholes.

Let’s take a moment to think about the Fresh Beat Band, formerly known as The Jumparounds.

Done yet?

Unless you have very young children, you probably have no idea who I’m talking about. Lucky you.

The Fresh Beat Band has a show on Nickelodeon. I’ve never seen it, I’ve only been subjected to their music videos, which are played all the time on Noggin. They are annoyingly catchy, like Roxette. But for preschoolers.

Anyway, I looked them up this morning. Not because I want to buy an album – I swear – but because one of them looks vaguely familiar. It turns out that I don’t know her, but in my explorations I did discover something odd.

Oh my God, so much explanation for something and it’s not that big of a deal. Sorry.

There are a lot of parents out there with very passionate feelings about the Fresh Beat Band. And they all have way too much time on their hands. I mean, I know people argue on message boards instead of just writing their own blogs (though I don’t know why since here I can just delete anyone who disagrees with me), but a children’s band? Really? Shouldn’t parents have better things to argue about, like the introduction of solid food?

What is wrong with people? No wonder W. was president for 8 years and no one understands the politics of the recession and health care reform. . .they’re all busy fighting about whether the Fresh Beat Band members are “too pretty” (Is everyone on Noggin supposed to be as freakish looking the humans on Lazytown?).

And I’d like to know how the hell they have time for this. As a parent who spends a LOT of time on the computer (er, I work on here. It’s not all Facebook.) and doesn’t even have time to look at message boards, I wonder if all of these people have maids and nannies? I somehow doubt it.

Or maybe they care so much about what’s on Noggin because all their children do is watch it?

PS To the person who said that they “Have” to lip sync because they’re also dancing. . . go see a Broadway show. Or a high school show, for that matter. They can dance and sing at the same time. It’s called talent.

PPS To the people complaining that the videos are just advertising. . . .the whole damn network is advertising. You think they’re being noble by not having traditional commercials? No, they’re selling your kids all the characters so that you wind up buying Dora dolls, Diego toothbrushes, Max and Ruby books. .. .uh, not that I’ve been that naive. No way.

I hate retarded people.

Not people with Down’s Syndrome or other medically tested mental issues, I like them just fine. In fact, it could be said that I like them more than most so-called normal people, because most of them work hard to learn as much as they can.

The same cannot be said for the normal brained masses. Hence my use of the derogatory term, “retarded” (please don’t come back and haunt me, Eunice Shriver. I didn’t mean it that way, and you were scary enough in real life). Call them the intellectually lazy, the undereducated or the people who NEED A FUCKING CLUE. I don’t care. I’ll be calling them “retarded”.

And who are these people?

People who don’t understand that plural words don’t need apostrophes.

People who say that Sarah Palin is not a quitter.

People who do not give their children rules and boundaries.

People who have appeared on Bridezillas.

People who give their kids names that are really nouns, like Lexus or Princess.

People named Jon Gosselin.

People who can’t name their Senators but still bitch about politicians.

People who leave comments on here that say, “Nice post, thanks. Try my new hand sanitizer product.” (Dude, at least read the so not nice post before your blatant advertising. Sheesh.)

People who can’t pronounce the word “specific”.

People who want to ban books.

People who find sex scarier than war.

People who cannot tell the difference between “your” and “you’re”.

People who think women shouldn’t breastfeed in public.

People who fight against gay marriage.

People who wear Crocs to any restaurant nicer than McDonald’s.

People who wear Uggs when it is not below freezing.

People who can’t tell the difference between “are” and “our”.

People who think Paula Abdul is not on drugs.

People who don’t let their kids read Harry Potter.

People who write to eHow for advice like, “How many credits after a law degree does it take to get a Bachelor’s?” and “How many credits do I need to graduate?”

Let me state that except for the eHow idiots, I have personally known all the people on the retard list. I may even be related to, or friends with, some of them. Hell, I may even love them. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t think they’re retarded.

Who do you think is retarded?

I used to watch Jon and Kate Plus 8. The kids liked it – and I didn’t have to worry about what they were learning from it, unlike their other favorite adult shows, Family Guy and Robot Chicken. Anyhow, if one more person blames Kate’s bitchiness for the dissolution of that marriage I’m going to break something. You know what makes a woman bitchy? Being married to an idiot.

Now, let’s take my own marriage. There are times, like when Hot Guy cannot find the children’s bathing suits -located in their dresser drawers – that I get a bitchy attitude. But then there are times when I cannot make the iron work without his intervention. (Which is why I don’t iron anymore. But I digress.) And then, well, Hot Guy doesn’t, of course, because he’s flawless and all, but OTHER husbands might get an attitude over my iron incompetence. Or about the time I backed into the garage door with our new car.

Anyway, my point is that in any given marriage at any given time, someone’s is acting like the idiot. As long as idiot duty hovers around 50-50, things will be okay. But Jon Gosselin never quit being the idiot. He never seemed to know what was going on, never stood up for himself, never discussed things, never took responsibility. And always having to be the smart one will stress a person out. Which might turn them into a bitch. Hence, Kate Gosselin.

Maybe she is a bitch. . . but being married to an idiot and having EIGHT kids might make you bitchy too. Maybe she is obsessed with money.. .but she has EIGHT kids, she really doesn’t have a choice but to be obsessed with money. Maybe she’s changed her look since she first got on TV. . .but hello, this America where everyone wants to look 20 forever. Is she really any worse than anyone else? Really?

And finally, let’s look at what’s happened with them since the divorce. Jon is dating a college dropout who parties hard and badmouths the mother of his children while also staying at MICHAEL LOHAN’S house with a tabloid reporter who claims they are dating. Oh, and maybe he’s going to design clothes for some designer most of us hadn’t heard of until this plan. Can someone say idiot?

I could totally be a marriage counselor, don’t you think?

People bug me. I know, I know. That’s a shocker, huh? I know I always seem like such sweetness and light. But, believe it or not, I spend a lot of time marveling and how stupid and/or annoying people are. Once, to honor my friend Nita, a woman who really was sweetness and light and who died way too soon, I tried to have only nice thoughts about people. I tried to be positive and kind in thought and deed.

I lasted a day.

So now I try to avoid being a completely selfish cow, or losing it in front of my children. It’s important to have attainable goals.

Anyway, I don’t think it’s totally selfish or harming my children when I say. . ..

Jon Gosselin, why don’t you run off with Miss California so that we don’t have to deal with any of you anymore?

Miss California: I don’t really care about your feelings on gay marriage. As far as I’m concerned, those with a religious objection to gay marriage should make sure that their personal religious institutions do not permit such ceremonies and shut the hell up about what the government permits. If the objection is religious, keep it to your religion. Oh, and I think anyone who poses half naked and has fake boobs shouldn’t be bragging about what a great Christian she is.

Jon and Kate: I’m not above exploiting my family either. I mean, I enjoy the free stuff I get for this blog. Sure, your exploitation has gotten you book deals and a new house and fabulous trips, but whatever. I’m not a jealous person. But of course, you couldn’t just enjoy your money, could you? You had to start acting like real fucking celebrities. Which you are not, by the way. Hell, your reality show isn’t even competitive! But now Kate’s on the cover – the COVER – of People magazine, Jon’s scamming ingenue types and the whole mess is being played out in the tabloids. To which I say, I have now lost all respect for you , your show and your parenting skills. Grow the hell up.

Retarded College Students: It’s true, President Obama doesn’t deserve an honorary degree from ASU, since I’m pretty sure their idea of accomplishment has to do with keg stands. I can’t believe those whiners don’t want to give the FUCKING PRESIDENT a damn degree.

Fox News: And speaking of college students, why the hell is Fox News acting like the protests at Notre Dame are a HUGE news story? I don’t care if the anti-choicers are protesting the pro-choice President. I know plenty of college students protested when Bush spoke at commencements (not that Fox News reported this). I don’t even mind it being a news item. But at the top of their home page? Is that really necessary?

Question: Am I the only person who barely remembers who her college commencement speaker was? And wouldn’t have bothered protesting at the time (even though I protested other things), because it’s just not that important? I mean, this generation is fucking whiny, right?

Dear Mom of That Toddler,

I’ve always felt kind of sorry for you, as you tried to leave the preschool as your son screamed from the room across the hall. Sometimes I would even see your older daughter tearing up outside of her classroom and I would think, Man, that must suck. I had sympathy. But yesterday your son ran over my daughter while they were playing outside. We were both watching, which is probably what made Ironflower burst into tears. I know your little boy didn’t mean to hurt her. But. . .you should have made him apologize anyway. It’s polite behavior. I don’t care if he wouldn’t have meant it, or even understood it. If he’s old enough to go to school he’s old enough to understand that he should be polite.

So, I will no longer give you sympathetic looks while your children freak out in the morning. Instead I will be thinking superior thoughts because my children generally only freak out at home.

Yours,
Ironflower’s Mom

Dear Kelly Bensimon or whatever the hell your name is (from the Real Housewives of NYC),

As I watched your little brouhaha with Bethenny this week, I couldn’t help but wonder if you were simply stupid or the biggest narcissist this side of . . .um. . .Madonna. If you wanted to prove how mature you were (and how immature Bethenny supposedly is), running around whining to everyone about Bethenny’s comment was not the way to go. Also, you wouldn’t have stated – in front of everyone at the meeting – that you wouldn’t put your name on the invitation. You would have said it privately. If you had class.

From
Someone who has no doubt you popped that guy

Dear Mr. D—–, (co-owner of Ironflower’s dance school)

Look, I don’t really have a problem with how you exploit the parenting paranoia around here for financial gain. We’re adults, after all. Most of us are well-educated. So it’s our own fault if we allow ourselves to be suckered in to overpaying for things so that our daughters fit in at your school. But. To stride into the classroom on parent observation day and to tell me – in front of my daughter, her classmates and the other parents – that I’m the only one who hasn’t bought tickets for the recital yet? That’s not okay. Some might even say it’s shitty.

I say it means that my daughter will be attending a different dance school next year.

Happily,
A soon-to-be former customer

Back when I taught school in the ‘hood, I was thrilled to death when parents offered to help me. And by help me, I mean send their kids to school well-rested and well-loved. Helping out in the classroom was a bonus I didn’t count on. In fact, one year I did not have help at one single party , though I did have a few parents sit and watch while I set everything up. That also happened to be the year I had the most behavior problems. Just sayin’.

Anyway, I never planned to raise my own children in a similar environment. I knew their school experiences would be filled with volunteering parents, because that’s how it works around here. But there’s volunteering parents, and then there’s volunteering parents who desperately need psychotherapy.

The other day I heard about “theme day” at the elementary schools in the next town over. The school picks a theme, each class does an aspect of that theme in their room and naturally the parents help a lot. They spend hundreds of dollars of their own money they stay at the school until all hours just to make sure that little Johnny or Julie has an especially authentic experience while never leaving the school grounds. As I heard about that part of it, I was already pretty sure that despite my years of study learning how to truly stimulate young minds that I would not be very involved in theme day. Because for theme day to actually teach them anything they should be doing most of the decorating themselves, not sleeping at home while their moms build covered wagons (true story).

But I sort of got it. I mean, it’s fun to create things for the kids. And, of course, I think that a number of people around here miss high school desperately and this gives them a chance to be creative and competitive at the same time, all in the name of being good parents. I silently chided myself for being such a cynical bitch. Then another mom shared another true story.

One about how an EVENT PLANNER was hired by one class’ set of parents on theme day last year.

EVENT FUCKING PLANNER for a school theme day.

The mom, who said that the class’ theme was the country of India, did mention that the room felt very authentically Indian.

I’m pretty sure my mouth dropped open.

The mom mentioned that she thought that things might be getting out of control for theme day. Gee, really? Maybe next year they could just go to India for theme day instead.

I still couldn’t close my mouth.

Other moms expressed mild shock and dismay. The covered wagon mom said that she would have appreciated somebody else doing the wagon.

I thought about moving before I ruin my children socially for not being willing to pay for an event planner for theme day.