Back when I taught school in the ‘hood, I was thrilled to death when parents offered to help me. And by help me, I mean send their kids to school well-rested and well-loved. Helping out in the classroom was a bonus I didn’t count on. In fact, one year I did not have help at one single party , though I did have a few parents sit and watch while I set everything up. That also happened to be the year I had the most behavior problems. Just sayin’.

Anyway, I never planned to raise my own children in a similar environment. I knew their school experiences would be filled with volunteering parents, because that’s how it works around here. But there’s volunteering parents, and then there’s volunteering parents who desperately need psychotherapy.

The other day I heard about “theme day” at the elementary schools in the next town over. The school picks a theme, each class does an aspect of that theme in their room and naturally the parents help a lot. They spend hundreds of dollars of their own money they stay at the school until all hours just to make sure that little Johnny or Julie has an especially authentic experience while never leaving the school grounds. As I heard about that part of it, I was already pretty sure that despite my years of study learning how to truly stimulate young minds that I would not be very involved in theme day. Because for theme day to actually teach them anything they should be doing most of the decorating themselves, not sleeping at home while their moms build covered wagons (true story).

But I sort of got it. I mean, it’s fun to create things for the kids. And, of course, I think that a number of people around here miss high school desperately and this gives them a chance to be creative and competitive at the same time, all in the name of being good parents. I silently chided myself for being such a cynical bitch. Then another mom shared another true story.

One about how an EVENT PLANNER was hired by one class’ set of parents on theme day last year.

EVENT FUCKING PLANNER for a school theme day.

The mom, who said that the class’ theme was the country of India, did mention that the room felt very authentically Indian.

I’m pretty sure my mouth dropped open.

The mom mentioned that she thought that things might be getting out of control for theme day. Gee, really? Maybe next year they could just go to India for theme day instead.

I still couldn’t close my mouth.

Other moms expressed mild shock and dismay. The covered wagon mom said that she would have appreciated somebody else doing the wagon.

I thought about moving before I ruin my children socially for not being willing to pay for an event planner for theme day.

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